Clearing Up The Confusion: A Statement on Sexual Liberation for Women

So, a young lady of 19 posted a question on another forum that I frequent daily. She asked simply this:

"Self-Respecting Women"

What does that even mean?

How does a woman disrespect herself?

This was in response to someone else's statements basically saying that women are selling themselves short and "disrespecting themselves" when they post nude/semi nude pics of themselves on the Internet.

I see a lot of behavior like this both on the Internet and IRL (In Real Life), and I call it "Ho Sh!t".  I bitch and complain a LOT about it. But here was this young girl, asking a genuine and honest question. As a woman and a mother of a girl not much younger than she is, I felt it necessary to answer her and clear up the confusion:





I’m gonna be honest with you. If this has anything to do with young ladies posting provocative pics of themselves on Tumblr or anywhere else on the Internet, I believe it’s the skewed view that a lot of women have of “Sexual Freedom” or “Sexual Liberation”. I don’t only see it in young girls either. I see it in women my age as well and all in between, and it is very sad.


What too many women think is that behaving in an overt sexual manner, promiscuity and the like are indicative of their expressing their sexuality and feeling empowered. This is a falsehood and deception of a very insidious nature. It shows the levels to which a woman feels she has to go to prove herself and it is 100% unnecessary.


Sexual Freedom & liberation as NOTHING to do with “ho shit”. It has nothing to do with showing your body or having sex with someone who doesn’t love you or that you don’t love. Being a woman secure in her sexuality and sensuality has nothing to do with how many nude/semi-nude shots you can post or how much smut talk you can do or how many guys or girls you can grind up on at a party.

Sexual Liberation for women is about CHOICE. It is woman’s right to keep it all to herself if she wants to do so. It’s about having control of your own body and not having to be behave like a slut to be attractive and garner attention. Sexual freedom is being free from the shackles of the beliefs and rules of a perverse and dominating male state of mind. It’s about having the ability to DEFINE YOURSELF and not being held to either of the extremes that society deems acceptable for a woman: prude or rat skeezer.


A self-respecting woman understands that and conducts herself based on what she believes she is worth. I pray for women to recognize and embrace all of themselves and let every gift endowed up them by the Creator be what they integrate into the light they shine for the world to see. Know your worth and act accordingly.


Believe it or not, a lot of men find power, intelligence, strength, knowledge & love of oneself EXTREMELY sexy as well. Try flaunting that and see what happens.



~pbg

Fathers and Daughters

Dear PBG,


For the past 15 years I have been living with something that is killing my relationship with my father.


I lost my mother 15 years ago and also learned the my fathers current girl friend was his mistress while my mother and father were married. This scares to this day when dealing with my own relationships with men. I can not trust.


But my question to you is should I confront my father and ask him about his relationships with other woman while married to my mother for closure and help with my dating issues or just let it go?


Thanks for your help! I know you'll have a great approach to this!


Sincerely,


Ms. Just Doesn't Trust


Dear Ms.Just Doesn't Trust,

The very first thing that came to my mind when I read your letter was the song "Daughters" by John Mayer:

"Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do..."


"On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world"

I think a lot of fathers of the previous generations weren't very aware of the impact that they have on their daughters' lives. Years ago, when Dr.Sigmund Freud's research expounded mothering as THE significant event in a person's development, it sort of relegated fathers to only a supporting role. Dads felt like if they were able to put a roof over the family's head and feed and clothe everyone, their jobs were done. But, I'd say in the last 20 years or so, fathers have been encouraged to be more involved in their sons' lives, as so many societal ills are being blamed on "dead beat dads".

But what about their daughters?

Fathers [who decide to stay involved] usually are very close with their little girls in the beginning, but as those girls grow up and start going through puberty, a lot of Daddies don't know how to deal with that and start to distance themselves. But it's important for fathers to know that they pretty much shape their daughters perceptions of men and how they should expect to be treated in relationships, by the way they treat them and just as importantly (if not moreso), the way they treat their mothers. If you grew up aware of your father's infidelity, I am not at all surprised that you have issues with trust within your own romantic relationships. And to have one of your father's mistresses in your family now as your step-mom in the wake of your own mother's passing has got to be hard on you.

There is really nothing to ask your father about his infidelities. You already know how he gets down. But you should let him know that the way he treated your mother while they were married has profoundly affected your ability to maintain healthy relationships with men. Tell him how difficult things have been for you due to the example he set, and then let it go. You are responsible for your own healing at this point. The first step in that would be just forgiving your father. Your mother doesn't need you to carry around the burden of her pain for her. She's been free of that for 15 years and I'm sure she never wanted that to be her legacy to you. She won't see you as any less loyal to her. Seek counseling with either a clergyman or a psychologist. They will help you discover your own worth and to understand that every man will not behave like your father did. Your dad may have shaped your perceptions of men, but those perceptions can be and should be changed. Claim a happy and fulfilling life for yourself because you deserve it.


In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg








Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

Getting To Know Him...On the Internet

Hey PBG,

I have this guy on my Facebook that has been my friend for awhile. I just never spoke to him, but I always thought he was cute. I ended up going out one night for a friend's birthday and saw him in person at a club. I was half drunk but I still realized who he was and kinda was in his face as a I walked past (again being drunk). So like a week later, I sent him a message on Facebook asking him if he was at the club making sure it was him and it was. We shared a few messages had a few laughs (especially about me being in his face) and now we are friends on Twitter. He asked a few times when was the next time I'd be going out and that if he saw me he would make sure to speak but I haven't gone out since that night. He is so handsome and funny from the little conversation I've had with him and I want to get to know him better but I'm not sure if I am his type. I'd like to find out, and maybe even see if he would like to go to dinner or get some drinks sometimes but I just dont know how to go about it. SO HELPPPPPP!

I think it's nice that you've met a friendly guy and are interested in getting to know him better. Meeting & dating from internet connections isn't as taboo as it once was, thanks to all the social networking we do nowadays. But it's not exactly easy to get the most important details you'd like to know through a few posts on Facebook or some tweets on Twitter.

I think you and this guy should spend some time chatting using an Instant Messenger. Just talk and see if you guys have enough chemistry and things in common to even warrant another in-person meet up. You can have a conversation hours long through instant messenger. I've made a lot of good friends just through using Yahoo IM before moving on to GoogleTalk (I love everything Google). I think it's a smart move to test the waters with this guy before committing to a full-fledged date.

Hopefully, you and this nice guy will find each other intriguing enough to want to see each other again (outside of the club, with you being completely) and if that's the case, I say you go right ahead and ask him out, if he doesn't do it first. Women don't necessarily come off as "pushy" by asking a guy out. You're just showing him that you're interested in a very direct way. I tend to think that some men would appreciate having the pressure of having to make the first move taken off of them every once in a while. All he can say is "yes" or "no", and you'll either have the opportunity to have a great night out with a great guy or you can walk away with no more or no less than you started. The only way you'll know is to take a chance, so go for it!


In this and in all things, I wish you love, light & clarity.

~pbg

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Hey PBG,


I have a been a loyal reader or your since your days on the Space and I am in desperate need of your wisdom and realness right now:


I met this guy at the beginning of the summer and we immediately hit it off. I must admit, at first it was just supposed to be a one night stand kind of thing but well... as Jazzy Sully would say, “’It was me making pancakes in the morning...” Feel me? Anyway we spent the first two months completely enthralled in one another. I stayed at his house more than my own and the sex….whooo *fans self*. Since we aren’t/weren’t committed, we both continued to see other people. This was never discussed, but I know what I know. About a month and a half ago, I was at his house and he’d left his phone while he went to the store. Now, usually I’m a snooper, but I’m learning that I don’t always want to know what’s going on and this time I really wanted to live in my ignorance. This particular time, he received a text and honestly, with the way the phone was situated, I couldn’t help but see it and it read “I’m falling in love with you too!!!” (Of course I then looked thru the phone to see his outgoing msgs and sure enough he had sent one to her that said {“I think I’m falling in love with you”).


Now he and I have had very deep conversation regarding our future together—conversation that HE initiated. He has let it be known quite often that he sees me in his future and that we are definitely not just a f**k thing. Well, about three weeks ago, he’d been extremely distant and MIA. Not returning calls, etc. When we did speak he would say he’s going through some stuff and needs me to bear with him. He’s telling me that he wants me in his life, he knows we have a purpose for meeting, he’s not trying to hurt me, etc.


That’s all fine and good and he let me know what the situation is (financial). But I want to run. I want to run fast and I want to run far. I’ve been hurt too many times in the past and I already am extremely emotionally invested in him. We often talk about how weird it is that we had such a connection immediately (the first night we met up to “get it in” we actually ended up walking thru the park holding hands and talking for HOURS). When he asked me if I saw him in my future I answered him honestly and said “You’ll either be the one to make it all better or the one who’ll push me over the edge”.


I saw him a few days ago and he’s still talking to me and looking at me as if we are still “us”.


I guess my question is what do you think I should do?? Should I run for the hills given that he’s telling some girl that he’s falling in love with her?

Well, whether or not you "run for the hills" depends wholly on what you want for yourself.

Someone obviously told your guy at some point in his life "Don't put all your eggs in one basket"...and he listened. I'm not going to doubt the sincerity of the feelings he has for you, but I will tell you that YOU aren't the only one he feels so deeply for. That's evidenced by the text exchange you saw in his phone (By the way...STOP doing that foolishness. Snooping is never a good thing, no matter what the motivation and hardly ever ends well.) He does want you, but he's keeping his options open.

When he goes M.I.A. for extended amounts of time, he's off tending to the eggs in his other baskets, my friend. That's what he's "going through". He's exploring options and he needs you to stick around ("bear with him") because he does see you as a viable choice. You and at least one other woman. That's his choice and I won't condemn it. But I want you to understand that this is indeed what's going on and you have choices as well. You can wait for him to decide which of you it will be in his future, or you can make yourself available for other romantic options. Get your own eggs! Get your own baskets!!


And let me just say this:

I'm not an advocate of casual sexual relationships at all, but I do know that in reality, people indulge in them and on rare occasions, they can develop into something more. But with simply enjoying sex together as the foundation of a relationship, I fear that it couldn't stand steady for long. There has to be more if you expect to have a long term involvement of any true substance.

So, as you ask me whether or not you should stay or go, you should be asking yourself "What do I truly want for me?"



In this and in all things, I wish you love, light & clarity.

~pbg





Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!