Guest Blogger: My eTwin says "Step Outside Of Your Box"

I recently received a letter that I decided was just a bit much for me. I kept looking at it and couldn't come up with anything, seeing as though I tend to struggle with this issue myself. So, I sent the letter over one of my very good friends Emery. We've been online friends for about 4 or 5 friends after meeting through blogs back in the MySpace days. This man is who I go to for advice and honestly he is the one person I credit for ushering me to a very personal and strong understanding about myself a few years back. We share the same mindset on so many things, we've adopted each other as one another's "twin" (our birthdays are a day apart as well!). Whenever I'm in a serious jam, I can always depend on Emery and I love him for being there.

So, here's the letter:

Peebs,

Although most people wouldn't know it, I'm extremely shy and afraid of being rejected. I've been told that I give off a standoffish vibe so men don't approach me. I do smile and speak when I pass people on the street, beyond that I'm not sure what I should. Because I don't want to be rejected, I don't approach men and never hit the social scene. I haven't been on a date in four years and before that it had been three years. I've used my kid as an excuse for not dating, but she'll be leaving for college in the next year so I won't have the excuse anymore. I've tried online dating, but no one ever responds to my ad. Male and female friends tell me I'm pretty, intelligent, funny, etc., but no one can tell me why I'm still alone. HELP!

Cat Lady In The Making


Peebs got stuck, so here's what Emery had to say:

Getting what you truly want requires stepping outside of the box sometimes.
There are millions of potential reasons for why you're alone....
but, being pretty, intelligent, & funny isn't even enough to guarantee
a one-way ticket to romantic bliss.

In life, we all know that if ya want something bad enough....
then, you've got to be willing to do whatever you can [within reason] to attain it.
Fear doesn't necessarily breed success & inaction surely doesn't.

I encourage you to step outta the box by approaching men until you find one that makes you happy
(if only just to give you a better idea of what the other gender deals with 24/7).
at best, doing this will bring you considerably closer to finding what you seek
and at the very least, the process will give you a much greater appreciation for
how difficult the search for love is on everyone (not just you).


In this and all things, both Emery and I wish you love, light and clarity.
~pbg

Don't Be A Hero, Just Be A Friend

Hey PBG:


Okay.. Where do I begin?


I'll be brief as possible. I'm in a similar dilemma to the young lady in your "emotional affair" letter. However, our stories are in reverse.


What started out as a friendship turned into a relationship when neither of us were truly ready. This was my first one and he was and still is too confused about his sexuality for us to have delved in like we did. He's completely uncomfortable with his bisexuality, because he's let religion dictate his identity, instead of enhancing it. This ultimately made him incapable of fully being with me, emotionally at least.


Like most men with a heterosexist paradigm, he can't allow himself to fully be with a man. He was "taught" that a man should be with a woman. Thus, he's tried relationships with women AND men but has always been disappointed because he doesn't know how to deal with himself first and foremost...


I won't get into all the details, because this letter would go on for days, AND somethings are better kept between the two of us, but at this point, I'm over it. I'm ready to move on. He's more than a decade older than me and I feel like he should already have his ish in order and should be the one holding my hand and walking me through this process, not the other way around.


In some way, I don't want to let him go, because I feel like if I do, his world will fall apart. He's lamented to me that he's tired of going through this over and over again and he just wants to be happy. THAT statement pierces my heart and makes me want to hold on to him from fear he may simply get tired of this merry go round and harm himself from severe depression.


He's agreed to get counseling, so that's a start. But what next?


What's a guy to do? How to I sort out this mess? I DON'T want to lose him as a friend and want the best from him, I just can't be his enabler any longer...

One of the first things you said in your letter to me is that you feel that you were too inexperienced in relationships to successfully sustain one with this man. If this is indeed the truth, what makes you think you could possibly save this broken and confused man from himself??

I totally get caring so much about a friend and wanting to save them from any and all harm. But as mere human beings, we have to remember that there are things that are best left out of our hands. Love as awesome as it is, does not endow you with super powers. Hang up your cape, good sir.

Sure, you feel like he should be "over" all this confusion he's going through as far as his sexuality, but who are you to say where on his journey to self-discovery and peace he should be? His journey is as personal as any of ours are and the shortest route to misery and failure is trying to please everybody else. If you truly care about your friend, you are going to have to step back and let him move along through all this as he needs to do. I'm glad to know that he's agreed to counseling and I pray that he goes and that it helps.

I don't think you will lose your friend if he does all he needs to do to move into a place of personal peace with who and what he is. Respect his process and release yourself from the impossible role of "Savior" in his life. That above all else will be what preserves the friendship.


In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.
~pbg







Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

30: Not Only An Age, But A Blessing

Last year, I made a video in response to a few lamentations I'd see around the web from people on the cusp of the Big 3-0. Check it out:

Here's a letter I received from one of my favorite people online, Ms. SavvyFatty. She was feeling mighty low as she approached her 30th birthday, but she says my take on leaving your 20's behind helped her out a lot:


Dear Peebz-
A wise woman once Vlog'd about the joys of being 30+ and leaving that wasteland of Adult Ig'nance we call our 20s in the dust.

Initially, I thought this woman was TRIPPIN', especially since I couldn't imagine leaving the reckless irresponsibility of my 20s for what I'd foreseen as 10 years wrought with ZERO-fun and ALL real-life decision-making. I felt scared; Unprepared; Google'd Time Machines and Life Rewind Buttons in hopes of never having to face my entrance into this new decade.

Until..I rang in my 3rd decade, mere weeks ago, making a conscious decision to be grateful for, rather than LOATHE, its inevitable existence.

And that wise woman, who I thought was selling me Silky Straight in hopes of passing it off as Indian Remy, was YOU, Peebz.

Thanks so much for your vlog's truthful wisdom! You're right; I AM still young enough to live life. And the trials and treacherous-ass tribulations I've experienced in my 20s HAVE ushered in a clarity and wisdom indescribable.
I've noticed that new perspective and I AM more appreciative of the days and nights that God has gifted me with. I feel blessed as there's several of my peers who will never reach this milestone. I feel a responsibility to those that are no longer here as well as myself to Live.It.UP! Contrary to prior belief, I didn't turn grey or wrinkly overnight; MIRACULOUS! I woke up STILL sexy and spry! Imagine that!

Truthfully, I'd REALLY thought the screws in your brain's caboose were loose when you mentioned not wearing a hat because 1) I LIVE for hats and 2) As an avid crafter, I'd planned the absolute FLYEST homemade born day hat to help me celebrate my special day. Your words stopped the creation of my dome adornment's 24-hour reign. But, just as your vlog promised, my wisdom was delivered like clockwork. Like Magic. Like A Blessing.

In all my 30 years (said with a smile and NO shame) I've never felt more self-assured, confident, and prepared for a new decade. Thank you times a BILLION for helping me to see that these can and WILL be some of the best days of my life.

30: Not Only An Age, But A Blessing.

MUCH Love,
SavvyFatty



I'm so glad my video was able to help! 30 is awesome! Enjoy it!


In this and all things, I wish you love, light & clarity.
~pbg

Emotional Affairs: Standing Amidst The Rubble

Hey Peebs. I need advice.

I've been in a relationship with my partner since 2005. We met thru a mutual friend and it was a long distance thing for a year until she moved here to be with me. In the first 2 yrs of our relationship, I was the 1 on the bullshit. I would like to blame it on my age (I was 22) but that's a cop-out. I was irresponsible, immature, selfish and didn't know it. Dangerous combo. I was completely unprepared for her as she was everything I wasn't- mature, responsible, ready for that kind of emotional commitment. I never physically cheated on her, but I did carry on emotional connections with 2 people and I didn't tell her about them. The first was with someone who had been a friend of mine way before me and my gf even knew one another. I knew my friend was feeling me but I let her know a long ass time ago we weren't going there. I did not have feelings for her but I was emotionally connected and my girlfriend felt like I was disrespectful of her and our relationship. I ended my friendship. This was in 2006. In 2007 I met a girl online who was a constant presence on my blog. I enjoyed the attention she gave me and yes I flirted with her. I told her I was in a relationship and I sometimes talked to her about a few issues my gf and I were having. My girlfriend logged into my email in December of 2007 and read emails between my online friend and I. They were never sexual but it was obvious that we were flirting.

At that point I knew I had to change something or I was gonna lose my relationship. I knew I didn't want to do that so I turned all of my attention inward and figured out what my problems were- I'm an attention whore with questionable emotional boundaries. I have spent the past 2 yrs working on myself and haven't done a thing to jeopardize my relationship. My girlfriend stayed with me through all of this and I often just thought maybe she was some kinda angel. *shrug* I thought things were getting better. We even did couples counseling for a year.  Then the ball dropped in September of last year. We had a rough summer. She was emotionally pulling away, we argued like crazy. In September she had this huge emotional breakdown and told me that she needed to take some space. I never understood WTF space meant anyway so of course I had a problem with it. She said she never healed from my past mistakes and thought she could jus get over it but it had been eating away at her ever since. She still doesn't trust me and has come to resent me for not being ready when she was ready. She said she needed time to work on her own issues and to work THROUGH all of the negativity she feels towards me so hopefully we can come back together with a fresh start. So we've been broken up for almost 5 months and in those 5 months I have found out (through snooping and then confronting her)  that she is emotionally attached with a friend of hers (who I always had suspicions on anyway *smh*). She claims she doesn't wanna be with the girl (who claims to be straight) and that I need to stop concentrating on her relationships with others and start focusing on getting things OK between us. Now MY problem is how the hell do I do that when I know u have some weird feelings for another chick!!!...yet you tell me you still love me and hope we can work things out. Icing on the cake is that she told me that she knows if her and I get back together that she'll have to fix her friendship with this chick because she would like to KEEP her as a friend and doesn't want her to be a threat to our relationship.

 My questions are am I a damn fool for even still being in love with her and wanting her back? Am I a bigger fool if I try to accept their friendship and believe that its strictly platonic? Was she justified in "taking space" 2 yrs after my indiscretions, even after I've changed and become a better woman? Or is it all complete and utter bullsh*t? And ummm... how long exactly am I supposed to wait for her to get her sh*t together?!

*sigh*

Oh and we live together. Smmfh. So its all just a hot ass mess of confusion and I'm heartbroken and pissed in the midst of it all. HELP! (It became a novel anyway...I'm sorry)

“Trust is like a vase.. once it's broken, though you can fix it the vase will never be same again.”

I think you need to change your expectations for the relationship between you and your girlfriend. You both have engaged in emotional affairs and that has shattered the trust between you two. Cheating is a hard offense to come back from, if at all. You have to accept the fact that what you had before is gone. Right now I see both standing amidst the rubble of your broken relationship. 

But if you truly love each other, sift through the ruins and pick out the pieces that are still recognizable: love, adoration, a real desire to be together, and begin to slowly reconfigure a relationship based on who you are now and who she is now. It won't be the same for sure. It may not even be recognizable, but something new is going to have to emerge from this situation. And if you expect for this brand new relationship to last, you both will have to understand that there will be no room in it for anybody but you and your partner. No blog fans, no BFFs, or any of that. Any "friends" who can understand or respect the need for sanctity in your rebuilding process isn't really a friend, now are they?


The past is the past at this point. You could break your neck with all this constant looking back. Whether or not she was justified in "taking space" before is of no consequence now. If you truly believe there is love still there, then do all you can to build a brand new relationship from the strongest pieces of what's left of what you had before. Set high expectations, do the work and then simply let go of the outcome. 




In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.
~pbg





Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!