Who remembers that song?? Anybody? I'll link it in my response to this letter:
Hey PBG,
Hey PBG,
I spoke with you over twitter a few hours ago concerning my addiction to the feeling of NEW love, which you defined as "limerance" which was exactly what I was feeling. Over the past few relationships, I've been noticing that after a while, maybe 1-2 years at the least, that I find myself imagining how HAPPY I would be if I was with someone else, but I can say my reasons are different than most guys.
Most guys I know, and probably you run across have a saying that, "It's no pu**y like new pu**y," which leads them to stray away, cheat, ruin relationships, etc. I was never the guy to get out of hand with that aspect of a relationship, but the last night I realized what I am looking for and the feeling I get when I start to feel my relationships are going down hill. What made me realize this is that, when I feel this way, its nothing my present girlfriend is doing at the time. She still loves me, cares for me, and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, BUT the feeling of new love, or limerance is no longer there. That feeling is my ADDICTION. That's my high, as some may say.
Most people I ask would say that I must keep that feeling going in order to break the addiction, but I respond with "it's no way to keep it NEW, nothing stays NEW forever." So now I come to you to see how I can fix this addiction to limerance, how can I maintain that feeling of an emotional high that will kepe me wanting to know more about my partner, do more things together, share the rest of my life with her?
Please let me know what you think, and thanks again!
Sincerely,
Sincerely,
The Emotion Addict
*sigh*
(no really...I did just sigh after re-reading this for about the 4th time)
Ahhh...limerance. Ain't nothin' like it, and it will indeed get you high!
I first encountered this term when, after failing horribly in marriage, I decided to learn how to be a better communicator in love. So I purchased the book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman, a Christian marriage and family counselor. It's a very good book and I recommend the entire series to anyone interested.
Anyways, The limerance theory was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1977. Wikipedia.com defines it as "an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person." It's not "real love", or even "new love". It's "the falling in love". And according to Dr. Tennov's research, "Most love in fact starts out as limerance, but most limerance never evolves into love." Hmmm...think about THAT!
You, good sir, need to mature a lot before you can have a successful and fulfilling love relationship. You will have to grow up enough to understand that real love is not so much defined by what you feel, but almost completely by what you do.
Real love is work! It is a living and breathing thing. It is actions...every big and little thing you do. I cannot count how many times I have levied these words as my ultimate definition of love:
Love is everything you do to, for and because of who your mate is...AND, in spite of who they are.
I mean, from washing her car, to donating a kidney (and NOT asking for it back). Tolerating her snoring and less than average cooking skills, because you know she has your back in all things...and she's happily putting up with your stuff too. Doing it all, through the good AND the bad, and not regretting one bit of it. To the contrary...being proud and happy to do it.
Do you think it's been all peaches n' cream between these two for the past 16 years??
You have to grow up and understand that real love is not about how she makes you feel, but how you feel about yourself when you do the things that let her know that you care for her, that you respect her and that she is as important to you as anything or anybody else in your life...if not more.
Emotions tend to get in the way because people want to do and say things in them, but are not prepared to deal with the consequences that remain once the emotion (limerance) fades...and it will. Usually in about a year or so. You must find a way to break your addiction to that "newness" if you wish to have a long-standing love. Understand in the work of love, it won't all be sunny days and smooth sailing, but believe that in the end, it will all be worth it.
In this and in all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.
Hey, You Asked!
PBG
