Dear PBG,
For the past 15 years I have been living with something that is killing my relationship with my father.
I lost my mother 15 years ago and also learned the my fathers current girl friend was his mistress while my mother and father were married. This scares to this day when dealing with my own relationships with men. I can not trust.
But my question to you is should I confront my father and ask him about his relationships with other woman while married to my mother for closure and help with my dating issues or just let it go?
Thanks for your help! I know you'll have a great approach to this!
Sincerely,
Ms. Just Doesn't Trust
Dear Ms.Just Doesn't Trust,
The very first thing that came to my mind when I read your letter was the song "Daughters" by John Mayer:
"Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do..."
"On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world"
I think a lot of fathers of the previous generations weren't very aware of the impact that they have on their daughters' lives. Years ago, when Dr.Sigmund Freud's research expounded mothering as THE significant event in a person's development, it sort of relegated fathers to only a supporting role. Dads felt like if they were able to put a roof over the family's head and feed and clothe everyone, their jobs were done. But, I'd say in the last 20 years or so, fathers have been encouraged to be more involved in their sons' lives, as so many societal ills are being blamed on "dead beat dads".
But what about their daughters?
Fathers [who decide to stay involved] usually are very close with their little girls in the beginning, but as those girls grow up and start going through puberty, a lot of Daddies don't know how to deal with that and start to distance themselves. But it's important for fathers to know that they pretty much shape their daughters perceptions of men and how they should expect to be treated in relationships, by the way they treat them and just as importantly (if not moreso), the way they treat their mothers. If you grew up aware of your father's infidelity, I am not at all surprised that you have issues with trust within your own romantic relationships. And to have one of your father's mistresses in your family now as your step-mom in the wake of your own mother's passing has got to be hard on you.
There is really nothing to ask your father about his infidelities. You already know how he gets down. But you should let him know that the way he treated your mother while they were married has profoundly affected your ability to maintain healthy relationships with men. Tell him how difficult things have been for you due to the example he set, and then let it go. You are responsible for your own healing at this point. The first step in that would be just forgiving your father. Your mother doesn't need you to carry around the burden of her pain for her. She's been free of that for 15 years and I'm sure she never wanted that to be her legacy to you. She won't see you as any less loyal to her. Seek counseling with either a clergyman or a psychologist. They will help you discover your own worth and to understand that every man will not behave like your father did. Your dad may have shaped your perceptions of men, but those perceptions can be and should be changed. Claim a happy and fulfilling life for yourself because you deserve it.
In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.
~pbg
Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!
