"It's The Fallin' In Love That's Makin' Me High..."

Who remembers that song?? Anybody? I'll link it in my response to this letter:

Hey PBG,

I spoke with you over twitter a few hours ago concerning my addiction to the feeling of NEW love, which you defined as "limerance" which was exactly what I was feeling. Over the past few relationships, I've been noticing that after a while, maybe 1-2 years at the least, that I find myself imagining how HAPPY I would be if I was with someone else, but I can say my reasons are different than most guys.

Most guys I know, and probably you run across have a saying that, "It's no pu**y like new pu**y," which leads them to stray away, cheat, ruin relationships, etc. I was never the guy to get out of hand with that aspect of a relationship, but the last night I realized what I am looking for and the feeling I get when I start to feel my relationships are going down hill. What made me realize this is that, when I feel this way, its nothing my present girlfriend is doing at the time. She still loves me, cares for me, and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, BUT the feeling of new love, or limerance is no longer there. That feeling is my ADDICTION. That's my high, as some may say.

Most people I ask would say that I must keep that feeling going in order to break the addiction, but I respond with "it's no way to keep it NEW, nothing stays NEW forever." So now I come to you to see how I can fix this addiction to limerance, how can I maintain that feeling of an emotional high that will kepe me wanting to know more about my partner, do more things together, share the rest of my life with her?

Please let me know what you think, and thanks again!

Sincerely,

The Emotion Addict

*sigh*
(no really...I did just sigh after re-reading this for about the 4th time)


Ahhh...limerance. Ain't nothin' like it, and it will indeed get you high!

I first encountered this term when, after failing horribly in marriage, I decided to learn how to be a better communicator in love. So I purchased the book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman, a Christian marriage and family counselor. It's a very good book and I recommend the entire series to anyone interested.

Anyways, The limerance theory was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1977. Wikipedia.com defines it as "an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person." It's not "real love", or even "new love". It's "the falling in love". And according to Dr. Tennov's research, "Most love in fact starts out as limerance, but most limerance never evolves into love." Hmmm...think about THAT!

You, good sir, need to mature a lot before you can have a successful and fulfilling love relationship. You will have to grow up enough to understand that real love is not so much defined by what you feel, but almost completely by what you do.

Real love is work! It is a living and breathing thing. It is actions...every big and little thing you do. I cannot count how many times I have levied these words as my ultimate definition of love:

Love is everything you do to, for and because of who your mate is...AND, in spite of who they are.

I mean, from washing her car, to donating a kidney (and NOT asking for it back). Tolerating her snoring and less than average cooking skills, because you know she has your back in all things...and she's happily putting up with your stuff too. Doing it all, through the good AND the bad, and not regretting one bit of it. To the contrary...being proud and happy to do it.


Do you think it's been all peaches n' cream between these two for the past 16 years??

You have to grow up and understand that real love is not about how she makes you feel, but how you feel about yourself when you do the things that let her know that you care for her, that you respect her and that she is as important to you as anything or anybody else in your life...if not more.

Emotions tend to get in the way because people want to do and say things in them, but are not prepared to deal with the consequences that remain once the emotion (limerance) fades...and it will. Usually in about a year or so. You must find a way to break your addiction to that "newness" if you wish to have a long-standing love. Understand in the work of love, it won't all be sunny days and smooth sailing, but believe that in the end, it will all be worth it.



In this and in all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.





Hey, You Asked!
PBG

HYA Special Edition: The Friend Zone

*yesterday's post on verysmartbrothers.com drove me to finally post this HYA Special Edition on "The Friend Zone". One of the readers asked me to do it several posts back and I had it halfway done, sittin' back in the cut.

ATTN: There is NO Friend Zone.

When you think you are in "the Friend Zone", you are actually being punk'd/played/run a muck upon, big time. Let me explain:

I've seen so many people alluding to this alleged friend zone, speaking as if it actually exists. It doesn't. There is no friend zone, none whatsoever. You either have a solid partner in a real relationship with mutually beneficial standards, goals and expectations… or you’re a jump-off with none of those things. Plain and simple.

You are either WITH with a person or you are settling (see: Lil' Kim). Settling for either a.) being a jump-off or b.) being an obsessive, whiny little hanger-on, relegated to a role that YOU don't really don't want to play. You're going all out and putting your heart and soul on the line and this bama/bama-azz broad is calling you their "friend". And not even the kind of "friend" that I use for my boos because I'm too damn old grown to have a boyfriend or a boo. Oh, your "friend" would do that to you? Put you in a position you don't wanna be?

Psshhh...get better friends. Miss me w/that Friend Zone shyt. You are SETTLING.

Settling is the most horrendous act of disrespect of SELF anybody can commit. Self-denial is suicide. (c)PBG 2006.

We ALL have the right to have what we want, the way we want it in love. If you don't think enough of yourself to hold out and have what you want, building it with a willing and enthusiastic partner, then you may as well go dig your own hole.

And if this "friend" is putting you in this vortex of bullshyt and can't/won't participate with you on fulfilling some mutual relationship goals, then unless you are actually LOOKING for a friend, step the eff off. Pronto. You're wasting time.

I saw another VSB poster use this term on the blog yesterday to describe a guy that she was dealing with because she wasn't ready for a relationship: “surrogate boyfriend”

*blank blinking stare*

Just what in tarnation is that?

Yet another sugary verbal confection, a flowery costume for B.S. Mother ReRe’s Inaugural Hat set upon the head of some sort of gremlin or rogue donkey.

Ladies, just because we put on lip gloss before we say this junk to a man doesn’t make it authentic or even pretty. Before we can expect better in relationships, we have to be better in relationships. That means honoring the our relationships by being truthful, in word, deed and sentiment. Fellas, don't ya'll do that crap either! I don't care if you are tall, dark and handsome with pretty teeth.

That particular poster may have been honest in telling him that she didn't want a relationship, but not by what she did. Actions speak louder than words, all day everyday.

If one doesn’t want a relationship, then one shouldn’t play act at one. What man wants to do a guest appearance in a woman’s life as “Boyfriend/Husband”? I know I’m not trying to be a future wife’s stand in/understudy/stunt double. No thank you!

Anytime you must use the words “appearance, convenience, surrogate” to describe any aspects of your relationship to anyone (including yourself), it all screams “NOT REAL”. Why bother with it?? You'd be just skipping along looking for something that feels good for a month and expect the other party to go along w/it because “She/He called him/her Baby, Baby, Baby…all night long", when they would love nothing more than to love you. Oh, how friendly is that??

Stop settling for the alleged "Friend Zone"!

Look, settling has never gotten anybody anywhere! Look what happened when the Native Americans allowed some pale faces to come on over and "settle in"! Can you say "utter decimation of a people"?? And how about Blacks "settling" for Civil Rights Act instead of pushing for Reparations when we had them bamas on the ropes! Settling makes you nothing more than the sediment on the bottom of the Fish Tank of Life.



Friend Zone=Settling and settling is for suckas! The Friend Zone is an illusion, and I am not fooled. Get like me.