On The HYA Bookshelf: "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man" by Steve Harvey

I got this book a couple of days ago and started reading it this morning. It is a very simple, yet EXTREMELY truthful take on how men and women are different, the beauty in it and why we relate to each other the way we do. I believe that anybody trying to be successful in a relationship ought to read this book.

I like this book for the same reason I like listening to wise older men talk: they are concise and to the point, and you never will walk away with doubts about what it is they meant. They are not overly loquacious, nor do they use unnecessarily ornate language. They aim to be nothing more than understood. If you can't get what "Uncle Steve" (that's what I call him because I feel so close to him) is saying in this book, then you may have a few problems w/comprehension or are just plain stubborn. Either way, get yourself together.

Say what you want about Steve Harvey, his jokes, his hair, the suits or whatever, but he is really dropping some respectable sagacity in the book. Buy it or get it from the library, but read it.




~pbg

HYA Special Edition: The Jump-Off Theory, Dismantled

I do not believe in the "Jump-Off Theory".

I know. You're saying "What the heezy is The Jump-Off Theory??" Let me explain:

The Jump-Off Theory is the assertion that two people who aren't in a relationship can have a successful "No Strings Attached" sexual relationship as long as neither one of them becomes emotionally involved, that is..."catches feelings".

That, My Lovelies, is a load of crap. These types of relationships are at best, wastes of time and at worst, very damaging to one's psyche and soul.

It's unnatural for us as human beings to separate from our emotional selves. Our emotions are necessary to help us gauge who we are and where we stand in the world and how we relate to it all. They work in conjunction with (NOT instead of) our judgment to help us move through life. One does HORRIBLY without the other.

Human nature and the divine always win. No matter what you do to your face, your body, you hair...what is real cannot be denied. You can either come out on top in the situation or lose.


Just ask Michael Jackson's face.
That ish is becoming undone.

Would this have been SOOOOO bad???


I'm just sayin'...that ain't bad for a 50 year-old Black man.

But, I digress.

When you set aside emotion so you can freely bone someone that isn't that into you or vice versa, no matter what "arrangements" you think you've made or "understandings" you have, somebody is going to catch feelings. I'd say 85% of the time. Why? Because emotion is a necessary, vital and UNDENIABLE part of how we relate to one another, especially sexually. Men tend to express intimate feelings and emotions through sex because they are such physical beings. Women, we are chemically wired to have emotion spill forth from sex. Ever heard of oxytocin? It's the same hormone released during childbirth and breastfeeding to insure that we bond with our babies...AND IT'S RELEASED DURING ORGASM. Duh!
Oh yeah, some feelings will be caught, regardless.

Do you understand the amount of WAR that needs to be waged internally to attempt to circumvent all that? Jump-Offs are pouring all that energy into NOT embracing their emotional selves and NOT respecting the natural order of things, when if they just held a higher standard for themselves, practiced patience and remain FAITHFUL, they could be expending that energy in a real relationship of LOVE. They could be ACTING IN LOVE with someone, instead of trying to stand steady on a big ol' LIE. Is it worth it??

And for that 15% that just may be "successful" in the Jump-Off situations..."Do you really want to win or just look good losing?" (c)Phonte. Yeah, because that's what you're doing. Let me quote myself from the very first entry of "Hey, You Asked":

"The things you have to do to sustain functional “Jump Off” and “FB/FWB” relationships will eventually turn you into someone you do not like. They rob you of your ability to connect w/people in a healthy manner. The thought processes and necessary emotions crucial for the relationship you eventually want to be in “forever” are slowly eroded and you are left unable to be more than simply physical. Cynicism, paranoia and skepticism set in and before you know it, you are alone. Not because you want to be, but because you’ve forgotten how to truly “be” with someone else. You have left so many little pieces of your soul behind w/the J.O.’s that you have nothing left for your Mr./Ms. Right."

You come out damaged at the end of your "successful" Jump-Off relationship. You lose a little bit of "you" each time. Again I ask, is it worth it?



So yeah, go on and "Jump Off"....



See where it gets you.

Questioning

To Whom It Don't Really Concern, (hahaha...real cute. ~pbg)

I'm writing because I'm at war with myself, and hopefully you, in all your sagaciousness, can help me find some clarity.

I'm a 22 year old black male. I've always been taught to be myself and be comfortable with who I am. My problem is: What happens when who I am completely conflicts with my own morals and beliefs?

I've been attracted to both men and women for as long as I can remember. I've managed to control that "evil" side of me for a long time, but I just recently ended a relationship with another man. There was no sex, as I just couldn't bring myself to go there. We never even kissed. It felt SO wrong but ... as the same time it felt SO right. If I wasn't afraid of the spiritual repercussions of my actions, I would go there.

However, I also can't deny my desire to lead a normal lifestyle. A wife, a child. A non-perfect family that quarrels but at the end of the day, we're all we have. Just me, my wife, and my child.

I would NEVER want to be considered one of those DL brothers, and I would never want to hurt anyone that I'm with. I'm faithful. Nothing could drive me to cheat. It's just not happening. My father cheated on my mom with another man and if that doesn't ruin a marriage, I don' t know what will.

My upbringing is in the church. I'm a Christian. I believe homosexuality is wrong for ME. It's not what God has for me. I just know it.

What to do?

-Morose & Morally Misguided






My Dearest M&MM,

I think that you are indeed a gay man who believes that because you have been conditioned to think that homosexuality is "wrong" and sinful, to embrace what seem to be your natural inclinations, you will be hell bound. I personally don't think homosexuality is wrong. It's different, that's all. It's who some people just are, and I guarantee you that there are a lot of worse things to be than gay.

Gay people have very successful lives. They are influential in society, they have long-term relationships and even happy "non-perfect" families. Gay people aren't condemned to a life of squalor, loser-osity, loneliness or despair, no more than anyone else. The one thing I've heard from so many gay people say when articulating what truly makes them unhappy is trying to be something they aren't or fit into the expectations of others JUST because of what is considered "the norm". Some people have become despondent to the point of being suicidal because of it.

You say that you "just ended a relationship with another man". You referred to it as a "relationship". You are, at the very least, bisexual, otherwise your mind wouldn't be open to the possibility of a same-sex relationship even being a reality for you. Straight guys & girls don't refer to their same sex friendships as "relationships".

I don't want what happened to your father to become your legacy. I suspect that your father denied who and what he was and went on and attempted that perfect little family with your mom, only to be forced to cheat to be who he really is. Back then, so many people of alternate sexuality had to hide in shame and live lives that weren't necessarily for them. A lot of them suffered from depression or self-medicated with drugs and alcohol to deaden the pain of the reality they felt like they had to choose. We all know where that leads. We don't live in those times. There are still ignorant people in the world, but overall, society is much more accepting of gay people, which is a good thing in my opinion.

I will not attempt to dictate your morality at all, but I will say this: Just be you. Don't feel like you have to conform to a standard that is not your own. Don't torture yourself and don't close any doors to happiness for yourself. Those that love you, will love you regardless. And sin or no sin, God will never leave you and He will never forsake you.


In this and in all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.



Hey, You Asked!
~PBG