Trouble Between Cousins

Hey PBG,

Don't really know how to start this because it's like a knife in my heart.  My son has been through so much this year already that I can't believe this has happened.

My brother lives with us right now.  He had his youngest son here for the weekend.  My nephew is 9yrs old.  His mother is, and I know I'm biased, nothing short of a skank.  The kid has seen and heard more than any 29yr old should.

Anyway, my son was home with my brother, my nephew and my dad while I was at work on Friday.  Apparently neither adult was paying very much attention to the kiddos.  When I got home, my son told me that my nephew had been in my underwear drawer.  Then he told me that my nephew had "pushed me down, got on top of me and tried to touch my privacy."

I tried not to ask any leading questions, made sure that my son knew that I believed him, wasn't angry with him and wouldn't let him be put into a situation where he was alone with his cousin again.  I then talked to my brother, explained the situation and told him I thought he needed to talk to his son.  My nephew's mom came to get him early Saturday morning.  I mean, this isn't something a kid picks up without either it happening to him or at least seeing something he ought not have.  The conversation didn't end well.  

So, I've asked my brother to start looking for another place to live.  I am considering talking to my son's school counselor. He's already seen her for some grief issues, so they have a rapport.  So far, my son is behaving pretty much normally.  I don't know if I'm making too much of this or not.  I just want to kick both my brother and my dad's asses for not keeping a closer eye on the boys.  I'm angry with the situation that allowed my nephew to develop in a dysfunctional environment.  I feel guilty because I don't want my nephew in my house if I'm not here, but at the same time, I don't want him to have an opportunity to do anything else to my son.  

I'm sorry this is so long.  Thanks for your "ear."

Just a mom.

Dear Mommie,

I think you did the right thing in asking your brother to find a new place to live. I know you may feel bad for your brother and your nephew about all the things that they have gone through, but your first responsibility is to YOUR son. If your nephew is hurting your little boy, they need to go. Your brother's bruised ego, hurt feelings, etc. are secondary if not altogether irrelevant.

You can never "make too much of" a report of abuse to you from your child. No matter who did it or what the reasons may be, none of that will make him feel any less violated, powerless or vulnerable. He was very succint and articulate when he told you what happened. He needs YOU to believe him and protect him and from what I can tell, believes that you absolutely will.

Your brother needs to find out what is going on with his son. Children usually abuse other children because they're being abused themselves. He may be being exposed to things of a graphic sexual nature in other ways as well. At 9 years old, he wouldn't know what to do with that type of information, so he's behaving as all children would left up to their own devices. 

I agree that you should monitor your son closely and take him to see a counselor. Do all that you can to make him feel safe, valued, and most of all, EMPOWERED.

In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg

Little [college] Girl Lost

Hi PBG, 

I am a 19 year college freshman and I am a virgin. I am finding it difficult to maintain relationships with guys here without giving it up. Not to say I'm against having sex, but I want to be in a relationship first, but the guys I seem to meet are very opposed to it! I believe I am going about dating all wrong. Guys will invite you to just hang out at their place, and I made that mistake. I went over a guy's house, we clicked and kissed and touched but it didnt go any further but then we didn't talk for 2 weeks. Then I find out on a network im on he got into a relationship! I was deeply confused by this as I felt we made a connection! What am I doing wrong? How can a girl navigate college dating any do's or dont's?

Signed,                 

TheCollegeGirl

Girl...*sigh*

I am going to try and give you the advice I'd give my own daughter if she were in this situation because she very well could be in 4 more years when she's your age.

I think it's a great thing  that you are still a virgin and believe that you should be in a meaningful relationship before engaging in an intimate sexual relationship with a guy. I do not believe in the "Jump Off Theory". Sex with "no strings attached" or at best, "loose connections" is the worst. Trust me on that one.

With that being said, I don't necessarily think you're doing anything wrong. It's normal to date different guys and enjoy socializing with the opposite sex. But what you must do is always put yourself first. None of these boys you're dating in college are deserving of you compromising your beliefs. You are your number one priority. Never feel pressured into sex with a guy because his reasons are totally self-serving. You have the right and the obligation to be and do who know you are.

Ok, that guy you hung out with at his place didn't turn out to be who you thought he would be. That's fine. We all meet duds from time to time. Honestly, I don't want to even deal with the particulars of your letter here, because I see something much bigger going on with you, College Girl.

I am advising you right now to concentrate on yourself. You seem confused about how to deal with men, which means you are in need of self-assessment and self-edification. Work on engaging in activities and people that will help you better understand exactly who you are. Ask yourself what's important to you and what your goals are, then work toward solidifying yourself in that. Dating is fun and it is a normal part of moving farther into adulthood. Right now though, I'd love it if you engaged more in learning exactly who you are. Become confident in THAT and dating will be much easier for you.

In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg

Re-adjusting Your Thug

Dearest PBG, oh wise seer of bs and shenanigans,

 

When “friends” become instant enemies, what’s an ex-thug to do?

 

Background info: Me and my gf (lesbians) have been in a long distance relationship for about 2 years now.  Anyone who has done the long distance thing knows that it requires A LOT of trust, transparency and communication.

 

The Scene: So I went to a house party that had mutual couple friends of ours there.  I brought my homegirl that was in town visiting for my birthday.  Sometime during the night I began to tease one of the couples about not returning text messages.  I then began to say that one of their friends says “hello” since they didn’t return any of her messages as well.  All of the sudden I started to get grilled about this friend, they asked me if my gf knew I was hanging with the friend, how often I spent time with the friend, yada yada yada.  Basically painting me trife.  All of this happening in the MIDDLE of the party in front of everyone.  My mouth was wide open- like this :O   I couldn’t believe it.  At first I thought they were joking, and let them talk for awhile.  Then I saw one of them look at me with disgust and shadiness.  That’s when I knew they were being for real.  So, I basically shut down the convo by telling them not to worry about MY relationship.  I didn’t feel the need to explain myself to people who were clearly NOT my friends.  They kept going on and on about how I don’t know what this girl is “in to” that I’d recently been hanging with. They also wouldn’t tell me what they were referring to.  So again I was like WTF?

ALSO sometime during the night they pulled my homegirl over to the side and asked her if WE were together. WTF again?  I was cordial for the rest of the evening and acted like it never happened.

 

But really, that sh*t seemed like they were straight up causing drama.  Who I hang with is between me and my girlfriend, not random extra people. And my girlfriend knew exactly what was going on with me and this new friend.  So am I dead wrong for being pissed with this couple (of troublemakers)?  I’m like the mafia, once you cross me you lose my loyalty and are basically dead to me. I’m not allowed to kill people, so I’m being figurative.  Should I have gone off at the party? Can I proceed with deleting their numbers out of my phone, deleting them off my friends list on facebook? 

Ex-Thug in Friendship Crisis

Point blank, these two interlopers at the party were just out of line. I find their behavior as you described it messy and immature. If they were offended by your light-hearted teasing, they should've just said so instead of launching personal attacks on you and how you behave in your relationship with your girlfriend. And for them to talk to and about your friends like that...HORRIBLE! I'm sure she was beyond uncomfortable and embarrassed. Your "friends" at the party were rotten as hell you would've been well within your right to go the HELL OFF!

But, as we mature and move through life, those of us with short fuses and low tolerance for bullsh*t have to do what I call "re-adjusting one's thug". You can't react the same way to a$$hole-ish behavior as you did when you were young and had less social filters. As adults, we must maintain our sexy at all times, even in times of strife and the extreme, overwhelming desire to stomp a mudhole into someone who has dared to cross us.  You have use your mind, bitingly sarcastic wit and powers of influence to make them feel like they got the a$$whuppin' they deserve.

We can't have you playing out scenes like this, even if it is warranted.

My advice to you is to first apologize to your homegirl who was the innocent victim of these other chicks' ridiculous remarks. She was just hanging out and didn't deserve that. 

Then you delete those other two raggedy, hate-filled drama queens from your LIFE. Facebook, phone, email contacts, Twitter, holiday card list...everything. BE GONE!  They seem all too ready to keep some sh*t going for no reason at all. Let them know that you can't be bothered. Cut first and ask/answer questions later, and only if you choose to do so.  If it were me, I'd invite them to kiss my entire a$$ and then direct them take the HOV lane straight to hell. Relationships (long distance or not) are hard enough to maintain. You don't need those harpies complicating things. Off with their heads!!

In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg