*Hello, My Lovelies. This is a LOOONG letter, but my response is short (and good). Thanks for reading! *
Dear PBG,
A couple months ago, I became pregnant by a guy that I had been really good friends with and just happened to move into a "friends with benefits" situation. The last time we slept together was in January and on Valentine's Day, I found out I was pregnant. I immediately told him because I didn't want to go at it alone and for the first few days, he was 100% supportive.
At some point or another, he told his parent and that's when all hell broke loose. She (his grandmother...who raised him) basically said that she didn't want any parts of any 'bastard' children and would not participate in helping to raise a child that he created with a woman he is not married to. After that, his attitude took a turn for the worse, where he basically told me that if I agreed to move forward with the pregnancy, he "didn't predict good things for us" and that he most certainly would be pissed.
Well, fast forward to later in the month of February...I started having some complications that my doctor assured me were fine but in March, ended up being rushed to the ER only to find out that my pregnancy was ectopic and I had to have immediate surgery or lose my life. During this whole ordeal, I didn't hear from him via email, phone call...nothing.
disappointment, I decided to send him an email (he had changed his # so I couldn't call him even if I wanted to) and expressed to him how I felt about him leaving me hanging the way that he did. I also informed him that I had lost the baby, that no concern was needed and I wished him well, in spite of what he had put me through. My friends advised me not to even say anything but I felt that b/c he was the father (whether he chose the responsibility or not), he still had the "right" to know. Once I sent that email, I blocked his email address so that he couldn't respond. Well, fast forward to about a week or so ago. I get an email from him (at another address) asking if we could talk. Defensive, I asked him "About what," and he responded that he just had to get some things off his chest. During this long conversation, he basically apologized repeatedly...telling me that he genuinely felt bad about what had gone down and that he wishes that he could take it back. He said that he had just gotten scared and even though it did NOT excuse his actions, he just felt that he needed to apologize and only hope that I'd accept. Being the person that I am (but hate so badly), I told him that I forgive him. In the past, I was a VERY vengeful person and am responsible for doing some hurtful things to people but in "growing up," I've learned that this is not the way to live. After that, he asked me if it was okay for him to take me to lunch, asking if I needed anything and pretty much vowed to "have my back" if I'd let him, no matter what. He's even moved into asking me if it was okay that we start over and actually do everything right, INCLUDING a relationship. My mouth hit the floor...I'm wondering "Where is all this coming from and why NOW" but he SEEMS sincere. I am not looking for anyone to offer me a sweet pat on the back. But I'm confused about his behavior. I pride myself in being a woman that's pretty good at reading people. However, this is a situation where I seem to be missing the mark. I would've been ready to give him an evil glance if he had mentioned anything about sex or being physical in ANY way but it's yet to come up. Everyday, he's offering pleasantries, making me laugh and oddly, sort of forgetting all of the baby drama from before. I don't want to be stupid. I don't want to be anybodys fool. But what do you make of this situation? Should I be willing to at least feel him out and offer him a chance, since he's asked for it OR should I say that I appreciate the offer but Umm, no thanks? Let me know! Signed, Still Have a Little Feelings |
Oh, dear.
OK, I'll first say the reason you can't "read" this man in your life is because you've already had sex (good, I hope) with him. Sex (good or bad) always fogs up perception, even those of us who pride ourselves on having nearly crystal clear vision when it comes to looking into and seeing people for whom they are. So don't feel about that. It happens to the best of us.
With that being said, I haven't had sex with him, so I can see him for the mealy-mouthed coward of a mama's boy he truly is. He left you to go through pregnancy and raise a child alone because his Big Mama said so. "Friend with Benefits", huh?? He was your FRIEND as long as it was beneficial to HIM. Psshhh...who the hell needs enemies??
You told him of your losing the pregnancy because he was the father of the baby, despite his act of abandonment. That was noble and the right thing for you to do. You even forgave him for being a supreme jerk. You're growing and that's wonderful. Beyond that, you need to let this thing with this guy go. He's already proven in what is usually one of the biggest decisions between a couple, that he will walk away from you and leave you to fend for yourself. That is not an act of love. He's selfish as hell, Miss Lady. I'm sure the irony of his timing his renewed interest in you is not lost on you. He's given you time proper to heal physically and respected the standard mourning period. Now he's sniffing around trying to "start over". Start WHAT over?? That flimsy ass "FWB" situation?? He surely doesn't seem mature enough to maintain a REAL relationship! I bet his Big Mama doesn't know he's been talking to you again. Chile, bye. Can you please tell him for me "Jigga, you ain't slick!"???
Let it go, leave it alone and keep it moving. I honestly see NOTHING good coming of this relationship. Keep doing YOU and wait for a committed relationship with a real man devoid of his Mama's
In this, and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.
~pbg
