Emotional Affairs: Standing Amidst The Rubble

Hey Peebs. I need advice.

I've been in a relationship with my partner since 2005. We met thru a mutual friend and it was a long distance thing for a year until she moved here to be with me. In the first 2 yrs of our relationship, I was the 1 on the bullshit. I would like to blame it on my age (I was 22) but that's a cop-out. I was irresponsible, immature, selfish and didn't know it. Dangerous combo. I was completely unprepared for her as she was everything I wasn't- mature, responsible, ready for that kind of emotional commitment. I never physically cheated on her, but I did carry on emotional connections with 2 people and I didn't tell her about them. The first was with someone who had been a friend of mine way before me and my gf even knew one another. I knew my friend was feeling me but I let her know a long ass time ago we weren't going there. I did not have feelings for her but I was emotionally connected and my girlfriend felt like I was disrespectful of her and our relationship. I ended my friendship. This was in 2006. In 2007 I met a girl online who was a constant presence on my blog. I enjoyed the attention she gave me and yes I flirted with her. I told her I was in a relationship and I sometimes talked to her about a few issues my gf and I were having. My girlfriend logged into my email in December of 2007 and read emails between my online friend and I. They were never sexual but it was obvious that we were flirting.

At that point I knew I had to change something or I was gonna lose my relationship. I knew I didn't want to do that so I turned all of my attention inward and figured out what my problems were- I'm an attention whore with questionable emotional boundaries. I have spent the past 2 yrs working on myself and haven't done a thing to jeopardize my relationship. My girlfriend stayed with me through all of this and I often just thought maybe she was some kinda angel. *shrug* I thought things were getting better. We even did couples counseling for a year.  Then the ball dropped in September of last year. We had a rough summer. She was emotionally pulling away, we argued like crazy. In September she had this huge emotional breakdown and told me that she needed to take some space. I never understood WTF space meant anyway so of course I had a problem with it. She said she never healed from my past mistakes and thought she could jus get over it but it had been eating away at her ever since. She still doesn't trust me and has come to resent me for not being ready when she was ready. She said she needed time to work on her own issues and to work THROUGH all of the negativity she feels towards me so hopefully we can come back together with a fresh start. So we've been broken up for almost 5 months and in those 5 months I have found out (through snooping and then confronting her)  that she is emotionally attached with a friend of hers (who I always had suspicions on anyway *smh*). She claims she doesn't wanna be with the girl (who claims to be straight) and that I need to stop concentrating on her relationships with others and start focusing on getting things OK between us. Now MY problem is how the hell do I do that when I know u have some weird feelings for another chick!!!...yet you tell me you still love me and hope we can work things out. Icing on the cake is that she told me that she knows if her and I get back together that she'll have to fix her friendship with this chick because she would like to KEEP her as a friend and doesn't want her to be a threat to our relationship.

 My questions are am I a damn fool for even still being in love with her and wanting her back? Am I a bigger fool if I try to accept their friendship and believe that its strictly platonic? Was she justified in "taking space" 2 yrs after my indiscretions, even after I've changed and become a better woman? Or is it all complete and utter bullsh*t? And ummm... how long exactly am I supposed to wait for her to get her sh*t together?!

*sigh*

Oh and we live together. Smmfh. So its all just a hot ass mess of confusion and I'm heartbroken and pissed in the midst of it all. HELP! (It became a novel anyway...I'm sorry)

“Trust is like a vase.. once it's broken, though you can fix it the vase will never be same again.”

I think you need to change your expectations for the relationship between you and your girlfriend. You both have engaged in emotional affairs and that has shattered the trust between you two. Cheating is a hard offense to come back from, if at all. You have to accept the fact that what you had before is gone. Right now I see both standing amidst the rubble of your broken relationship. 

But if you truly love each other, sift through the ruins and pick out the pieces that are still recognizable: love, adoration, a real desire to be together, and begin to slowly reconfigure a relationship based on who you are now and who she is now. It won't be the same for sure. It may not even be recognizable, but something new is going to have to emerge from this situation. And if you expect for this brand new relationship to last, you both will have to understand that there will be no room in it for anybody but you and your partner. No blog fans, no BFFs, or any of that. Any "friends" who can understand or respect the need for sanctity in your rebuilding process isn't really a friend, now are they?


The past is the past at this point. You could break your neck with all this constant looking back. Whether or not she was justified in "taking space" before is of no consequence now. If you truly believe there is love still there, then do all you can to build a brand new relationship from the strongest pieces of what's left of what you had before. Set high expectations, do the work and then simply let go of the outcome. 




In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.
~pbg





Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

Fathers and Daughters

Dear PBG,


For the past 15 years I have been living with something that is killing my relationship with my father.


I lost my mother 15 years ago and also learned the my fathers current girl friend was his mistress while my mother and father were married. This scares to this day when dealing with my own relationships with men. I can not trust.


But my question to you is should I confront my father and ask him about his relationships with other woman while married to my mother for closure and help with my dating issues or just let it go?


Thanks for your help! I know you'll have a great approach to this!


Sincerely,


Ms. Just Doesn't Trust


Dear Ms.Just Doesn't Trust,

The very first thing that came to my mind when I read your letter was the song "Daughters" by John Mayer:

"Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do..."


"On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world"

I think a lot of fathers of the previous generations weren't very aware of the impact that they have on their daughters' lives. Years ago, when Dr.Sigmund Freud's research expounded mothering as THE significant event in a person's development, it sort of relegated fathers to only a supporting role. Dads felt like if they were able to put a roof over the family's head and feed and clothe everyone, their jobs were done. But, I'd say in the last 20 years or so, fathers have been encouraged to be more involved in their sons' lives, as so many societal ills are being blamed on "dead beat dads".

But what about their daughters?

Fathers [who decide to stay involved] usually are very close with their little girls in the beginning, but as those girls grow up and start going through puberty, a lot of Daddies don't know how to deal with that and start to distance themselves. But it's important for fathers to know that they pretty much shape their daughters perceptions of men and how they should expect to be treated in relationships, by the way they treat them and just as importantly (if not moreso), the way they treat their mothers. If you grew up aware of your father's infidelity, I am not at all surprised that you have issues with trust within your own romantic relationships. And to have one of your father's mistresses in your family now as your step-mom in the wake of your own mother's passing has got to be hard on you.

There is really nothing to ask your father about his infidelities. You already know how he gets down. But you should let him know that the way he treated your mother while they were married has profoundly affected your ability to maintain healthy relationships with men. Tell him how difficult things have been for you due to the example he set, and then let it go. You are responsible for your own healing at this point. The first step in that would be just forgiving your father. Your mother doesn't need you to carry around the burden of her pain for her. She's been free of that for 15 years and I'm sure she never wanted that to be her legacy to you. She won't see you as any less loyal to her. Seek counseling with either a clergyman or a psychologist. They will help you discover your own worth and to understand that every man will not behave like your father did. Your dad may have shaped your perceptions of men, but those perceptions can be and should be changed. Claim a happy and fulfilling life for yourself because you deserve it.


In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg








Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

Leave Me Alone! Damn!

Hey, I'm in a bit of an awkward situation, which is only made more uncomfortable because it involves my co-workers.

I work in customer service with a girl who is happily engaged with a 2 year old son. I got to know her fiancé when he was working at the same place, and we all got along. Recently he hosted a party at his house. Towards the end of the night, he and I were talking outside and he started to hit on me--telling me, among other things, all the great ways he could please me sexually. I was speechless that he would be so bold, especially knowing that I work with his fiancé and knowing that she was less than 10ft away at the party!

Apparently he'd asked someone at the party for my number "so he could make sure I got home safe" and he called me 3 times within an hour of me leaving the party. It's been about a month since that night, and he is always texting/calling me. When I tell
him I can't hang out with him because it's clearly unethical, he claims he just wants to talk with me.

The problem is that he's not taking no for an answer and now I'm afraid that his fiancé will see that he's calling me and think I'm trying to get with him. I know that it's wrong to even be talking to him at all, but the dilemma I'm faced with is this: should I tell the girl about what her fiancé has been doing? I don't want to be seen as a homewrecker, but he won't stop trying to get with me and I don't want her to think I had some part in this. I'm convinced she's going to find out sooner or later, and if that happens it'll be harder to defend myself.

Is it best to just ignore the calls and keep telling him no, or should she have a right to know what her crappy
fiancé is doing? It's hard because I see her at work and everyday I'm afraid this is going to be the day she finds out and all hell will break loose.



Thanks for reading,

One Confused Co-worker



Dear Confused Co-Worker,

Let me alleviate your confusion for you: F*ck him! And for that matter, her too. This crap between them (and indeed it is between THEM if her man can't keep it together in his relationship so he's sexually harrassing other women) is cramping your style and it needs to stop IMMEDIATELY! Her feelings toward you should not matter. You just want her jerkface of a boyfriend to stop pestering you with his "mack game", that I suspect very closely resembles this fine fella here:

With his bama-ass. Pssshh.

Tell him that you are saving every voicemail, every call log, every text message, every email and if he DOESN'T leave you alone, you will be going to his woman what the hell has going on, with proof in hand. And if he doesn't cease and desist, tell her. TELL HER EVERYTHING and show her the proof! She may get pissy with you, but so be it. You won't get any peace from this dude unless she knows the deal. Neither of them is your problem so you shouldn't have to deal with this mess. She should be thanking you for letting her know what kind of no account fool she is planning on marrying anyway (dollars to doughnuts say she already knows though, for real).

I know it will be awkward at work with all of this out in the open, but as long as he believes you won't say anything, he will carry on in this behavior. His girlfriend will be mad, but if she's interested in keeping her job, she'll get over it because it's too hard out here to be giving up employment behind some drama.

Teach people how to treat you! Make him believe that you are who you say you are because obviously, he thinks he can have and do it all. You may just have to be the one that shows him that he really has the entire game twisted.





In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity

~pbg















Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

Digital Display

Hello PBG,

Am I over thinking/overreacting with this situation?

I was over at my boyfriend's house and saw his digital camera on the kitchen counter. I turned it on and proceeded to look at the pictures (which is something I normally do).  All of the pictures were pictures of his dog but in the middle of those pictures there was one picture of a woman taking a self portrait of herself chest up (from what I saw with a shirt on) in his bedroom.  The pictures seem to be from the same day. I asked him who it was, he told me an ex coworker friend that came to visit. His mood when I asked him was very stiff and frigid.  I took his word for it at the time because I trust him. When I came back to my place the next day I could not stop feeling that something was not right.  I don't have a problem with him having female friends but at the same time I don't understand what she would be doing in his bedroom.  When I come over we don't even go into the bedroom until it's time for bed. We have been together for four years and I've met his friends and heard of his coworkers.  I've never heard of her and I've never met her.   Although I trust him, my gut instinct is telling me that he is cheating or not telling the whole truth.   Should I be worried?

Thanks a million, 
K

You normally check his camera pics? Really? I'd like to know why. Do you also take pics with this camera? Is it a shared camera?  Honestly, you seem a bit snoopy to me. Snoopy and insecure because I can't see any logical reason why you would "normally" check the pictures in your boyfriend's camera. It's quite puzzling, indeed.

With that being said, I've always lived in the belief that a snoopy, nosey type of person will ALWAYS find something disturbing when they go looking.  Your mind/character/inclinations have already led you to go looking. No matter what you find, it will be suspect because you're LOOKING! Bus transfers, dry cleaning tickets, texts from his Mama...everything will feed into your insecurities and scream into empty pockets in your self-esteem: "He's cheating!!!" 

Now, I say go with your gut. The person you need to trust more than him is YOU. If you think he's cheating with this woman in the pics why sit there torturing yourself with all the suspicion and "what ifs"?? You very well could be wrong, but love is risky. If you are constantly questioning the fidelity of your mate, even if it's just to yourself, you won't be happy in that relationship. Get out of this relationship and give yourself some peace. Overreacting? Maybe...but I'd rather overreact than underreact. Your nosiness notwithstanding, it all sounds out of order to me.

You may just want to chill on that nosey stuff though. If you don't, you will have a series of relationships just like the one you're describing here, with the common denominator in the failure of them all (and yes dear, they will all fail) being you and your insecurity. When things are wrong between two people in a romantic relationship, you never have to go looking for mess. Be cool and play your position.  The "mess" will most assuredly  find you. 

In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg

Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

So Emotional

Hello My Lovelies!!

I know it seems like it's been forever (at least to me anyway), but I finally have a genuine request for advice! Yippeee!

Remember back a few months ago I had the series of THREE letters for advice from ONE young lady? I called her Ms. Jet Magazine, due to her plethora of issues much like the beloved African-American gossip rag that has adorned coffee tables of Black households across America for over 40 years now!

Well, I have a new reader and she has Ms. Jet beat! She sent me FIVE questions. They're all 5 one-liners, but 5 nonetheless. I thank you kindly Ms. Jet, Vol. 2 for entrusting your questions to my sagacity and I promise to do my very best to answer. Let's get into it, shall we?

And so, she simply asks:

Is an emotional affair considered cheating?

In my humble opinion...YES.

Yes, yes, a thousand times YES!!

I consider anything you wouldn't tell your spouse about or include them in as being unfaithful. Do you have a "friend" that you tell everything and they make you feel just great about it all? Does this "friend" make it all better when you're feeling down? Can you bring this "friend" home to sit and have dinner with you, your wife/husband/sweetie and your kids (if you have any)?? If you answer "no" to that LAST QUESTION, then you are are having an inappropriate relationship and you need to get out of it.

When you seek emotional fulfillment outside of your love relationship, what you are essentially doing is abandoning your partner and leaving them standing alone in the relationship. This is a VERY painful place to be for anybody. Emotional abandonment is not an act of love.

Emotional support and involvement is not something you should be going outside of your relationship to receive. Your spouse/mate is supposed to be there for that. Emotional love is a very big part of being in any type of relationship, especially a romantic relationship.  If you aren't able to have your emotional needs met within the confines of your relationship, I'd say that the dynamic between you and your partner is out of wack. 

And the answer to that resolving that disconnection is not to go out and seek it elsewhere. That is a clear sign that you and your significant other need to come together and work those things out. If your relationship means anything at all to you, put forth the effort to make it one that you and your mate are able to get everything you need in it. If you don't, I guarantee it will start to manifest negatively in every other aspect of your relationship.

In this and all things,  I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg

Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!