Fathers and Daughters

Dear PBG,


For the past 15 years I have been living with something that is killing my relationship with my father.


I lost my mother 15 years ago and also learned the my fathers current girl friend was his mistress while my mother and father were married. This scares to this day when dealing with my own relationships with men. I can not trust.


But my question to you is should I confront my father and ask him about his relationships with other woman while married to my mother for closure and help with my dating issues or just let it go?


Thanks for your help! I know you'll have a great approach to this!


Sincerely,


Ms. Just Doesn't Trust


Dear Ms.Just Doesn't Trust,

The very first thing that came to my mind when I read your letter was the song "Daughters" by John Mayer:

"Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do..."


"On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world"

I think a lot of fathers of the previous generations weren't very aware of the impact that they have on their daughters' lives. Years ago, when Dr.Sigmund Freud's research expounded mothering as THE significant event in a person's development, it sort of relegated fathers to only a supporting role. Dads felt like if they were able to put a roof over the family's head and feed and clothe everyone, their jobs were done. But, I'd say in the last 20 years or so, fathers have been encouraged to be more involved in their sons' lives, as so many societal ills are being blamed on "dead beat dads".

But what about their daughters?

Fathers [who decide to stay involved] usually are very close with their little girls in the beginning, but as those girls grow up and start going through puberty, a lot of Daddies don't know how to deal with that and start to distance themselves. But it's important for fathers to know that they pretty much shape their daughters perceptions of men and how they should expect to be treated in relationships, by the way they treat them and just as importantly (if not moreso), the way they treat their mothers. If you grew up aware of your father's infidelity, I am not at all surprised that you have issues with trust within your own romantic relationships. And to have one of your father's mistresses in your family now as your step-mom in the wake of your own mother's passing has got to be hard on you.

There is really nothing to ask your father about his infidelities. You already know how he gets down. But you should let him know that the way he treated your mother while they were married has profoundly affected your ability to maintain healthy relationships with men. Tell him how difficult things have been for you due to the example he set, and then let it go. You are responsible for your own healing at this point. The first step in that would be just forgiving your father. Your mother doesn't need you to carry around the burden of her pain for her. She's been free of that for 15 years and I'm sure she never wanted that to be her legacy to you. She won't see you as any less loyal to her. Seek counseling with either a clergyman or a psychologist. They will help you discover your own worth and to understand that every man will not behave like your father did. Your dad may have shaped your perceptions of men, but those perceptions can be and should be changed. Claim a happy and fulfilling life for yourself because you deserve it.


In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg








Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

On Being A Girl...

Dear PBG,

My daughter is 7 years old and has recently started developing breasts. I know that this means puberty is around the corner. We have pretty open and honest communication about her body but I dont know how to explain her cycle to her. I really thought I had more time. Well I dont, so help me, PBG. How did you explain it to your daughter?


Dear Mommy,

WHEW!! Only 7 years old and already getting her lil' boobies?? Oh what a beautiful burden womanhood can be! Why won't puberty just let these children have their fun???

Anyways, it's happening and you have to be ready for it. I'm going to tell you the key to this process being as natural as what's happening to your daughter's body: Make sure that it isn't a one-time "talk". The physical maturation process that our children go through is an on-going occurence, so the conversations concerning it also should be on-going. And the things you talk about with your daughter should mature as she grows as well. You won't need to start out talking to her about STD's and condoms (that will come later), but you will need to tell her about hormones and the ways they will change her body. Tell her how and why these things go on and emphasize the beautiful and wonderful parts of being a girl. As she continues to develop, cater your conversations to her growing needs as a young girl moving into being a young woman. Talk about emotions and relationships with friends, as well as menstruation, basic hygiene and what's going on with her hair and skin. All these encompass the vast changes she will go through over the next several years.

This book right here helped us out tremendously and I recommend it to everybody:

Click the pic to buy the book on Amazon.com

I bought this book for my daughter when she was about 9 and started growing out in addition to growing up. It has been an invaluable resource as it provides answers for all sorts of questions, from hair to pimples to periods in language that young people can understand. It was a good tool for dialogue and encouraged a free and open exchange about what was going on. So much so that when Tee finally DID get her period at age 12, she didn't even tell me because "Mommy, it's only a period, not a big deal. I didn't need any help because I knew what to do myself". Well, excuse me!

Above all else, CHILL! If your daughter feels any anxiety from you, she will be nervous as well. Let both your words and your attitude toward it all reflect that it is simply a part of life and what makes being a girl so very special.



In this and all things, I wish you love, light & clarity.


~pbg























Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

How You Doing??: A 2 for 1 Special Post

Hello My Lovelies!

I have here yet another follow-up report from one of my previous posts. Well actually, this is follow-up from two letters.

This young lady actually wrote in with concerns about her young son, twice.


A Little One Loses A Friend
Trouble Between Cousins


Here's how she says things are making out with her son:

You gave me some excellent advice on a couple of occasions... as you know! Just wanna let you n the readers know that my son is doing well. I made use of the school counselor for both the grief issues he had when his classmate died and the issues with his cousin. He seems to be doing well with both issues. My brother has moved. His son is also in counseling now... after I spoke my concerns to his mother. She took it better than I thought. Turns out there was an incident with a neighbor boy where they live, and she hadn't pursued counseling for him when it first happened. I'm sorry that it took his acting out to get him the help he needed. I'm trying not to be too judgmental about her not taking care of her biz when it first went down, but hey.... I'm still salty it impacted my son before the kid got help. I'm still not ready to have him around my son. Maybe someday.... I'm not as angry with my dad as I was at first. And really, that anger probably came from issues I have leftover from childhood than anything to do with this situation. My son still talks about his classmate and asks questions about death and dying, but the counselor assures me it's all age appropriate and constructive. I really appreciate the input you gave and the validation of my own instincts! You rock out loud!



I'm so glad that things have gotten better for you and your family. I was especially concerned in your case because of the nature of the things going on with your little boy. I'm delighted to know he's doing well! Thank you for entrusting your very sensitive family issues to me.

Thanks for reading guys, and if you have a follow-up story for me, be it good or bad, please send it to askthepbg@gmail.com and I'll post it.


In all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.


~pbg

Trouble Between Cousins

Hey PBG,

Don't really know how to start this because it's like a knife in my heart.  My son has been through so much this year already that I can't believe this has happened.

My brother lives with us right now.  He had his youngest son here for the weekend.  My nephew is 9yrs old.  His mother is, and I know I'm biased, nothing short of a skank.  The kid has seen and heard more than any 29yr old should.

Anyway, my son was home with my brother, my nephew and my dad while I was at work on Friday.  Apparently neither adult was paying very much attention to the kiddos.  When I got home, my son told me that my nephew had been in my underwear drawer.  Then he told me that my nephew had "pushed me down, got on top of me and tried to touch my privacy."

I tried not to ask any leading questions, made sure that my son knew that I believed him, wasn't angry with him and wouldn't let him be put into a situation where he was alone with his cousin again.  I then talked to my brother, explained the situation and told him I thought he needed to talk to his son.  My nephew's mom came to get him early Saturday morning.  I mean, this isn't something a kid picks up without either it happening to him or at least seeing something he ought not have.  The conversation didn't end well.  

So, I've asked my brother to start looking for another place to live.  I am considering talking to my son's school counselor. He's already seen her for some grief issues, so they have a rapport.  So far, my son is behaving pretty much normally.  I don't know if I'm making too much of this or not.  I just want to kick both my brother and my dad's asses for not keeping a closer eye on the boys.  I'm angry with the situation that allowed my nephew to develop in a dysfunctional environment.  I feel guilty because I don't want my nephew in my house if I'm not here, but at the same time, I don't want him to have an opportunity to do anything else to my son.  

I'm sorry this is so long.  Thanks for your "ear."

Just a mom.

Dear Mommie,

I think you did the right thing in asking your brother to find a new place to live. I know you may feel bad for your brother and your nephew about all the things that they have gone through, but your first responsibility is to YOUR son. If your nephew is hurting your little boy, they need to go. Your brother's bruised ego, hurt feelings, etc. are secondary if not altogether irrelevant.

You can never "make too much of" a report of abuse to you from your child. No matter who did it or what the reasons may be, none of that will make him feel any less violated, powerless or vulnerable. He was very succint and articulate when he told you what happened. He needs YOU to believe him and protect him and from what I can tell, believes that you absolutely will.

Your brother needs to find out what is going on with his son. Children usually abuse other children because they're being abused themselves. He may be being exposed to things of a graphic sexual nature in other ways as well. At 9 years old, he wouldn't know what to do with that type of information, so he's behaving as all children would left up to their own devices. 

I agree that you should monitor your son closely and take him to see a counselor. Do all that you can to make him feel safe, valued, and most of all, EMPOWERED.

In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg

Stranger Danger

Hey PBG,

I realized I had a bit of a problem today and instantly thought I would seek your advice on the matter.

It's about my daughter. She is 2.5 years old and heading for age 3 in early July and is not the least bit shy! That is where the problem lies; I think she is too friendly with strangers to the point where it concerns me.

We recently moved to Atlanta and are regular MARTA (public transit via train and bus) patrons. We are constantly out in public places around strangers and she is thrilled by it! My little girls loves to greet everyone around her whether coming or going but it doesn't stop there. She smiles and gets close to people, wants to give high-fives, hold hands with and even give friendly hugs and kisses to those who indulge her.

I am proud of her social skills (if that's what you'd call it), but often times I don't want her touching other people and vice versa. Sometimes she greets people who don't seem to want to be bothered and she won't stop singing "hiiii!" until she is acknowledged by them. When strangers are nice to her she will follow them around and be very friendly with them. That alarms me because it seems like that makes her an easy child to abduct.

I'm asking for your advice here ma'am. Am I too paranoid or are my concerns sound? How do I keep her from touching strangers in public without sounding rude? I don't want to punish her for being friendly. There must be something that we can do differently.

Thanks PBG!






Oh Mommy, calm down! LOL! Your little one is just being TWO! She's learned a new skill (from you, I highly suspect) and she's eager to practice it. She's very excited about being able cause an effect. Remember when she first learned to shake a rattle and hear a sound or smile and receive a smile back? She is seeing and experiencing the world everyday in a brand new way.

What your daughter is doing is perfectly normal and you should be proud of her growth and development. I'd be concerned if she were withdrawn and didn't seem to connect well with the people and places around her. She's supposed to be reaching out and engaging the world around her.

Little Miss is going to grow out of this soon when some new experience becomes more important to her, and it will. So what you need to do in the meantime is make it safe for her to be as social as she needs to be right now. Hold her hand when out in public and keep a close eye on her, you know...what you would NORMALLY do! LOL! And continue to model acceptable social exchanges between you and the people you all encounter as you move around your new city. Don't overreact to her behavior because you could make her nervous or think she's doing something wrong. Remember, she's taking all her cues from you at this point. She's so outgoing with folks because you make her feel so safe, Mommy! Good job!

Don't worry too much about abductions as these are very rare occurrences. Children are usually hurt by people that they know. The media would have us all believe differently though, of course. As she grows older and she starts to realize her entire world doesn't revolve around you, you can explain to her about "stranger danger" and how to stay safe when you aren't together.


In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.





~pbg





Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

A Little One Loses A Friend

And so, She Asks:


As a woman of reason, I know when to defer to the wisdom of others.

My son's little friend and classmate died in a fire last night. I'm not really sure if I should try to open the conversation with him, let him bring it up or what. I'm not sure developmentally how he's perceives death. When my grandmother died in October, he had nightmares after my aunt dragged him up to the coffin while I was talking to family members. So I'm not really sure what to expect. He told his grandfather and uncle this afternoon that his friend went to Heaven. Maybe I'm worried for nothing....

I was just hoping to get some insight and advice from you, since early childhood is kinda your thing and all, and you're one really sharp, wise woman.

Thanks!

First off, I extend my deepest sympathies to your little boy on the loss of his friend. I'm sure he's having a hard time understanding why his buddy is gone. Hug him extra for me.

Death such a difficult subject to broach, especially when it comes to how to help our children deal with it. It's an inevitable part of life, a real but abstract concept to grasp even for adults. It's even harder for little ones who are still learning to distinguish between the real world and the imaginary ones they invent for themselves and what they see in movies and on TV. The task of helping them deal with the loss of a close friend or family member can be daunting.

I know personally how difficult it can be. My daughter's father was murdered when she was about 3 1/2 years old back in 1997. I had no idea how I was going to explain to her that he was gone. So I just told her that he was hurt really badly and the doctors couldn't help him so he had to go to heaven and be with Jesus. She asked would he come back and I told her "No, he won't. He has to stay where he can be healthy and free and happy without his body." My little genius baby saw that I was upset and held my hand and said "Mommy, it's OK. We'll see Nate (she refused to call him "Daddy" back then) when it's our turn to go to heaven when we get too old to be here" and that was that. She went on about her little business. Thank God we had taken the child to church a few times! As her mother, I made the decision not to take her to his funeral because the understanding that she had was enough to help me usher her through her loss in a healthy manner and I've never regretted that decision once. Over the years, her questions about him matured with her understanding of the world and I had to gauge my answers to what she already knew. Now that she's 15, there aren't as many questions about it, but there's still an open line for if she does want to know anything more or just talk about him and try to learn a bit about who he was.

I suggest that you have a conversation with your little boy about his friend, beginning not about the death but about their friendship. Talk about all the fun things that they did together and what made him a good friend. Talk about love. Talk about how it's OK to miss him and that memories will always keep him near, even though he can't see him anymore. Be honest about his friend being hurt and not able to live in his body anymore because of it. And listen to what your son has to say, because his level of understanding just may surprise you, as my daughter's did me. Formulate your answers to his questions based on who you know him to be and how much he understands. Respect his grieving process as long as it is healthy and if you have any doubts about that, always consult your pediatrician.

I also checked out this website, Supportingkids.com, and it's very resourceful in the area of helping children of all ages deal with death and dying. Take a look and see if it can offer you any support in helping your son cope with the sudden loss of his friend.


In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.





~pbg