Guest Blogger: My eTwin says "Step Outside Of Your Box"

I recently received a letter that I decided was just a bit much for me. I kept looking at it and couldn't come up with anything, seeing as though I tend to struggle with this issue myself. So, I sent the letter over one of my very good friends Emery. We've been online friends for about 4 or 5 friends after meeting through blogs back in the MySpace days. This man is who I go to for advice and honestly he is the one person I credit for ushering me to a very personal and strong understanding about myself a few years back. We share the same mindset on so many things, we've adopted each other as one another's "twin" (our birthdays are a day apart as well!). Whenever I'm in a serious jam, I can always depend on Emery and I love him for being there.

So, here's the letter:

Peebs,

Although most people wouldn't know it, I'm extremely shy and afraid of being rejected. I've been told that I give off a standoffish vibe so men don't approach me. I do smile and speak when I pass people on the street, beyond that I'm not sure what I should. Because I don't want to be rejected, I don't approach men and never hit the social scene. I haven't been on a date in four years and before that it had been three years. I've used my kid as an excuse for not dating, but she'll be leaving for college in the next year so I won't have the excuse anymore. I've tried online dating, but no one ever responds to my ad. Male and female friends tell me I'm pretty, intelligent, funny, etc., but no one can tell me why I'm still alone. HELP!

Cat Lady In The Making


Peebs got stuck, so here's what Emery had to say:

Getting what you truly want requires stepping outside of the box sometimes.
There are millions of potential reasons for why you're alone....
but, being pretty, intelligent, & funny isn't even enough to guarantee
a one-way ticket to romantic bliss.

In life, we all know that if ya want something bad enough....
then, you've got to be willing to do whatever you can [within reason] to attain it.
Fear doesn't necessarily breed success & inaction surely doesn't.

I encourage you to step outta the box by approaching men until you find one that makes you happy
(if only just to give you a better idea of what the other gender deals with 24/7).
at best, doing this will bring you considerably closer to finding what you seek
and at the very least, the process will give you a much greater appreciation for
how difficult the search for love is on everyone (not just you).


In this and all things, both Emery and I wish you love, light and clarity.
~pbg

Don't Be A Hero, Just Be A Friend

Hey PBG:


Okay.. Where do I begin?


I'll be brief as possible. I'm in a similar dilemma to the young lady in your "emotional affair" letter. However, our stories are in reverse.


What started out as a friendship turned into a relationship when neither of us were truly ready. This was my first one and he was and still is too confused about his sexuality for us to have delved in like we did. He's completely uncomfortable with his bisexuality, because he's let religion dictate his identity, instead of enhancing it. This ultimately made him incapable of fully being with me, emotionally at least.


Like most men with a heterosexist paradigm, he can't allow himself to fully be with a man. He was "taught" that a man should be with a woman. Thus, he's tried relationships with women AND men but has always been disappointed because he doesn't know how to deal with himself first and foremost...


I won't get into all the details, because this letter would go on for days, AND somethings are better kept between the two of us, but at this point, I'm over it. I'm ready to move on. He's more than a decade older than me and I feel like he should already have his ish in order and should be the one holding my hand and walking me through this process, not the other way around.


In some way, I don't want to let him go, because I feel like if I do, his world will fall apart. He's lamented to me that he's tired of going through this over and over again and he just wants to be happy. THAT statement pierces my heart and makes me want to hold on to him from fear he may simply get tired of this merry go round and harm himself from severe depression.


He's agreed to get counseling, so that's a start. But what next?


What's a guy to do? How to I sort out this mess? I DON'T want to lose him as a friend and want the best from him, I just can't be his enabler any longer...

One of the first things you said in your letter to me is that you feel that you were too inexperienced in relationships to successfully sustain one with this man. If this is indeed the truth, what makes you think you could possibly save this broken and confused man from himself??

I totally get caring so much about a friend and wanting to save them from any and all harm. But as mere human beings, we have to remember that there are things that are best left out of our hands. Love as awesome as it is, does not endow you with super powers. Hang up your cape, good sir.

Sure, you feel like he should be "over" all this confusion he's going through as far as his sexuality, but who are you to say where on his journey to self-discovery and peace he should be? His journey is as personal as any of ours are and the shortest route to misery and failure is trying to please everybody else. If you truly care about your friend, you are going to have to step back and let him move along through all this as he needs to do. I'm glad to know that he's agreed to counseling and I pray that he goes and that it helps.

I don't think you will lose your friend if he does all he needs to do to move into a place of personal peace with who and what he is. Respect his process and release yourself from the impossible role of "Savior" in his life. That above all else will be what preserves the friendship.


In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.
~pbg







Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

Emotional Affairs: Standing Amidst The Rubble

Hey Peebs. I need advice.

I've been in a relationship with my partner since 2005. We met thru a mutual friend and it was a long distance thing for a year until she moved here to be with me. In the first 2 yrs of our relationship, I was the 1 on the bullshit. I would like to blame it on my age (I was 22) but that's a cop-out. I was irresponsible, immature, selfish and didn't know it. Dangerous combo. I was completely unprepared for her as she was everything I wasn't- mature, responsible, ready for that kind of emotional commitment. I never physically cheated on her, but I did carry on emotional connections with 2 people and I didn't tell her about them. The first was with someone who had been a friend of mine way before me and my gf even knew one another. I knew my friend was feeling me but I let her know a long ass time ago we weren't going there. I did not have feelings for her but I was emotionally connected and my girlfriend felt like I was disrespectful of her and our relationship. I ended my friendship. This was in 2006. In 2007 I met a girl online who was a constant presence on my blog. I enjoyed the attention she gave me and yes I flirted with her. I told her I was in a relationship and I sometimes talked to her about a few issues my gf and I were having. My girlfriend logged into my email in December of 2007 and read emails between my online friend and I. They were never sexual but it was obvious that we were flirting.

At that point I knew I had to change something or I was gonna lose my relationship. I knew I didn't want to do that so I turned all of my attention inward and figured out what my problems were- I'm an attention whore with questionable emotional boundaries. I have spent the past 2 yrs working on myself and haven't done a thing to jeopardize my relationship. My girlfriend stayed with me through all of this and I often just thought maybe she was some kinda angel. *shrug* I thought things were getting better. We even did couples counseling for a year.  Then the ball dropped in September of last year. We had a rough summer. She was emotionally pulling away, we argued like crazy. In September she had this huge emotional breakdown and told me that she needed to take some space. I never understood WTF space meant anyway so of course I had a problem with it. She said she never healed from my past mistakes and thought she could jus get over it but it had been eating away at her ever since. She still doesn't trust me and has come to resent me for not being ready when she was ready. She said she needed time to work on her own issues and to work THROUGH all of the negativity she feels towards me so hopefully we can come back together with a fresh start. So we've been broken up for almost 5 months and in those 5 months I have found out (through snooping and then confronting her)  that she is emotionally attached with a friend of hers (who I always had suspicions on anyway *smh*). She claims she doesn't wanna be with the girl (who claims to be straight) and that I need to stop concentrating on her relationships with others and start focusing on getting things OK between us. Now MY problem is how the hell do I do that when I know u have some weird feelings for another chick!!!...yet you tell me you still love me and hope we can work things out. Icing on the cake is that she told me that she knows if her and I get back together that she'll have to fix her friendship with this chick because she would like to KEEP her as a friend and doesn't want her to be a threat to our relationship.

 My questions are am I a damn fool for even still being in love with her and wanting her back? Am I a bigger fool if I try to accept their friendship and believe that its strictly platonic? Was she justified in "taking space" 2 yrs after my indiscretions, even after I've changed and become a better woman? Or is it all complete and utter bullsh*t? And ummm... how long exactly am I supposed to wait for her to get her sh*t together?!

*sigh*

Oh and we live together. Smmfh. So its all just a hot ass mess of confusion and I'm heartbroken and pissed in the midst of it all. HELP! (It became a novel anyway...I'm sorry)

“Trust is like a vase.. once it's broken, though you can fix it the vase will never be same again.”

I think you need to change your expectations for the relationship between you and your girlfriend. You both have engaged in emotional affairs and that has shattered the trust between you two. Cheating is a hard offense to come back from, if at all. You have to accept the fact that what you had before is gone. Right now I see both standing amidst the rubble of your broken relationship. 

But if you truly love each other, sift through the ruins and pick out the pieces that are still recognizable: love, adoration, a real desire to be together, and begin to slowly reconfigure a relationship based on who you are now and who she is now. It won't be the same for sure. It may not even be recognizable, but something new is going to have to emerge from this situation. And if you expect for this brand new relationship to last, you both will have to understand that there will be no room in it for anybody but you and your partner. No blog fans, no BFFs, or any of that. Any "friends" who can understand or respect the need for sanctity in your rebuilding process isn't really a friend, now are they?


The past is the past at this point. You could break your neck with all this constant looking back. Whether or not she was justified in "taking space" before is of no consequence now. If you truly believe there is love still there, then do all you can to build a brand new relationship from the strongest pieces of what's left of what you had before. Set high expectations, do the work and then simply let go of the outcome. 




In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.
~pbg





Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

Fathers and Daughters

Dear PBG,


For the past 15 years I have been living with something that is killing my relationship with my father.


I lost my mother 15 years ago and also learned the my fathers current girl friend was his mistress while my mother and father were married. This scares to this day when dealing with my own relationships with men. I can not trust.


But my question to you is should I confront my father and ask him about his relationships with other woman while married to my mother for closure and help with my dating issues or just let it go?


Thanks for your help! I know you'll have a great approach to this!


Sincerely,


Ms. Just Doesn't Trust


Dear Ms.Just Doesn't Trust,

The very first thing that came to my mind when I read your letter was the song "Daughters" by John Mayer:

"Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do..."


"On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world"

I think a lot of fathers of the previous generations weren't very aware of the impact that they have on their daughters' lives. Years ago, when Dr.Sigmund Freud's research expounded mothering as THE significant event in a person's development, it sort of relegated fathers to only a supporting role. Dads felt like if they were able to put a roof over the family's head and feed and clothe everyone, their jobs were done. But, I'd say in the last 20 years or so, fathers have been encouraged to be more involved in their sons' lives, as so many societal ills are being blamed on "dead beat dads".

But what about their daughters?

Fathers [who decide to stay involved] usually are very close with their little girls in the beginning, but as those girls grow up and start going through puberty, a lot of Daddies don't know how to deal with that and start to distance themselves. But it's important for fathers to know that they pretty much shape their daughters perceptions of men and how they should expect to be treated in relationships, by the way they treat them and just as importantly (if not moreso), the way they treat their mothers. If you grew up aware of your father's infidelity, I am not at all surprised that you have issues with trust within your own romantic relationships. And to have one of your father's mistresses in your family now as your step-mom in the wake of your own mother's passing has got to be hard on you.

There is really nothing to ask your father about his infidelities. You already know how he gets down. But you should let him know that the way he treated your mother while they were married has profoundly affected your ability to maintain healthy relationships with men. Tell him how difficult things have been for you due to the example he set, and then let it go. You are responsible for your own healing at this point. The first step in that would be just forgiving your father. Your mother doesn't need you to carry around the burden of her pain for her. She's been free of that for 15 years and I'm sure she never wanted that to be her legacy to you. She won't see you as any less loyal to her. Seek counseling with either a clergyman or a psychologist. They will help you discover your own worth and to understand that every man will not behave like your father did. Your dad may have shaped your perceptions of men, but those perceptions can be and should be changed. Claim a happy and fulfilling life for yourself because you deserve it.


In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg








Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Hey PBG,


I have a been a loyal reader or your since your days on the Space and I am in desperate need of your wisdom and realness right now:


I met this guy at the beginning of the summer and we immediately hit it off. I must admit, at first it was just supposed to be a one night stand kind of thing but well... as Jazzy Sully would say, “’It was me making pancakes in the morning...” Feel me? Anyway we spent the first two months completely enthralled in one another. I stayed at his house more than my own and the sex….whooo *fans self*. Since we aren’t/weren’t committed, we both continued to see other people. This was never discussed, but I know what I know. About a month and a half ago, I was at his house and he’d left his phone while he went to the store. Now, usually I’m a snooper, but I’m learning that I don’t always want to know what’s going on and this time I really wanted to live in my ignorance. This particular time, he received a text and honestly, with the way the phone was situated, I couldn’t help but see it and it read “I’m falling in love with you too!!!” (Of course I then looked thru the phone to see his outgoing msgs and sure enough he had sent one to her that said {“I think I’m falling in love with you”).


Now he and I have had very deep conversation regarding our future together—conversation that HE initiated. He has let it be known quite often that he sees me in his future and that we are definitely not just a f**k thing. Well, about three weeks ago, he’d been extremely distant and MIA. Not returning calls, etc. When we did speak he would say he’s going through some stuff and needs me to bear with him. He’s telling me that he wants me in his life, he knows we have a purpose for meeting, he’s not trying to hurt me, etc.


That’s all fine and good and he let me know what the situation is (financial). But I want to run. I want to run fast and I want to run far. I’ve been hurt too many times in the past and I already am extremely emotionally invested in him. We often talk about how weird it is that we had such a connection immediately (the first night we met up to “get it in” we actually ended up walking thru the park holding hands and talking for HOURS). When he asked me if I saw him in my future I answered him honestly and said “You’ll either be the one to make it all better or the one who’ll push me over the edge”.


I saw him a few days ago and he’s still talking to me and looking at me as if we are still “us”.


I guess my question is what do you think I should do?? Should I run for the hills given that he’s telling some girl that he’s falling in love with her?

Well, whether or not you "run for the hills" depends wholly on what you want for yourself.

Someone obviously told your guy at some point in his life "Don't put all your eggs in one basket"...and he listened. I'm not going to doubt the sincerity of the feelings he has for you, but I will tell you that YOU aren't the only one he feels so deeply for. That's evidenced by the text exchange you saw in his phone (By the way...STOP doing that foolishness. Snooping is never a good thing, no matter what the motivation and hardly ever ends well.) He does want you, but he's keeping his options open.

When he goes M.I.A. for extended amounts of time, he's off tending to the eggs in his other baskets, my friend. That's what he's "going through". He's exploring options and he needs you to stick around ("bear with him") because he does see you as a viable choice. You and at least one other woman. That's his choice and I won't condemn it. But I want you to understand that this is indeed what's going on and you have choices as well. You can wait for him to decide which of you it will be in his future, or you can make yourself available for other romantic options. Get your own eggs! Get your own baskets!!


And let me just say this:

I'm not an advocate of casual sexual relationships at all, but I do know that in reality, people indulge in them and on rare occasions, they can develop into something more. But with simply enjoying sex together as the foundation of a relationship, I fear that it couldn't stand steady for long. There has to be more if you expect to have a long term involvement of any true substance.

So, as you ask me whether or not you should stay or go, you should be asking yourself "What do I truly want for me?"



In this and in all things, I wish you love, light & clarity.

~pbg





Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

Friend or Frenemy?

Hi PBG,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost the past year and a half. There is a girl that was interested in him towards the beginning of our relationship before we were serious and/or public about our relationship and status. He turned her down, by the way, when she did try to holler, because he was dating me AND because he generally did not like her in that way. He told me about it at the time, but I didn't really know who she was, the name didn't ring a bell.....

Well, this girl has since been a person who has befriended me online and that I chat with pretty regularly, and she has taken great interest in some online projects that I have going on. I just had a eureka moment a couple days ago and realized that she was the one that had approached my boyfriend. Over the time getting to know her online I think she is very cool. My question is: Should I be wary of being friends with her? Am I being paranoid by hesitating?

I'd say that you are indeed being paranoid. I'm going to try not to be the suspicious paranoid person I tend to be at times and tell you that she doesn't know that you are his girlfriend. She's genuinely interested in you and your projects. I don't think there is anything to be wary of in developing a friendship/association with this young lady. She approached your dude a long time ago and he wasn't interested then, and I assume he still isn't interested now, as he is with YOU and has been for at least 18 months. I think it's perfectly fine have an online or even IRL (in real life) friendship with her.

I will say this, though: If she IS one of those researching, Inspector Gadget type chicks and is only sniffing around you in order to befriend you to get closer to your dude, you may need to keep her around. A "frenemy" of sorts. Being her frenemy puts her right out in the open where you can see what she's up to without any out & out hate. So even in that respect, I don't think it's a bad thing to be "friends" with her. Keep your friends close, and your "frenemies" even closer...or something like that, right?



In this and all things, I wish you love, light & clarity.
~pbg









Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

OK, WTF???

Hello PBG, I'm following you on Twitter and had a relationship question:

 I've been with my boyfriend on and off for nearly 3 years. In those three years, we were not always in a monogamous relationship. Until about two years ago we dated other people and each other, a fact that we were comfortable with. In that year though he was in a semi serious relationship (more on her part than his) with a girl "Amy". Now that I've filled you in on the back-story I can explain the real story. 

Right now, my boyfriend is deployed to Afgahnistan for a year. It's kind of hard to deal with but I've learned to manage until recently. I received an email from someone wanting to know who I was to him. They will not disclose their name and of course are using a fake email. I'll call her "xoxogossipgirl". She says that they never slept together she just needed to know if he was in a relationship in order to decide if they could "be together some day". I knew that was all false when I read it. Most women don't become attached until after sex.

He's since emailed the "xoxogossipgirl" asking who she was and she told him that she was "his worst nightmare and that she would end his relationship slowly but surely". She also confirms that he needs to "keep his dick in his pants "and that "he can't do whatever he wants to whoever he wants". He's not from my state, only stationed here and I wasn't sure if she was here, so had someone look up the IP address linked to the email. She in fact was in my state which helps narrow it down. so I asked him who did he sleep with here and he only could name 3 people including me.

The one that stuck out was "Amy" she has two kids and she's always been very dramatic the type of girl that would call her boyfriend her husband after 4 weeks, and she always tried little sneaky tactics to play mind games with me. Only reason its important to me to know whether its an ex is because he of course he could be lying and this could be someone completely new. Regardless of who it is I need answers and I know I can't draw blood from a turnip so what do I do?

OK, seriously...this was me trying to figure out what was going on in this letter.

I read this letter over and over again for about 4 days and could not make heads or tails of exactly what your point is. What exactly do you want? What are your expectations out of this relationship and out of my sagacity? What do you need for me to tell you to make this..."all of this" OK for you?

Then it hit me, like an epiphany (no Chrisette)! This letter makes no sense because this "relationship" makes no sense. This has to be the most nonsensical conglomerate of male-female bullsh*t I've ever had the displeasure of reading.

For the record, I NEVER (well, almost never) go this hard on a letter-writer, but honestly honey...you know as well as I do that this makes NO SENSE. Let's refer to your "back-story":

 "I've been with my boyfriend on and off for nearly 3 years. In those three years, we were not always in a monogamous relationship. Until about two years ago we dated other people and each other, a fact that we were comfortable with. In that year though he was in a semi serious relationship (more on her part than his) with a girl "Amy".

Let me get this straight: For the better part of 3 years, you have been in an sometimey relationship with a guy and throughout half of it, you both dated other people and even had "semi-serious" relationships independent of each other, and NOW you're up in arms about one of his "Ghosts of P*ssy Past" coming back to haunt ya'll?

Really?

Look, you taught him a long time ago that it was perfectly acceptable to conduct himself any which-a-way when it comes to you. Why are you doing all this detective work for this psuedo-relationship?? Dude is on the other side of the world, more than likely banging some female fellow soldier and not thinking a bit about you OR Amy (who is totally irrelevant, by the way...an "X Factor"). Why? 'Cuz that's what ya'll, do...right?

You're right. You can't get blood from a turnip. So stop trying to juice this ridiculousness you're trying to pass off as a "relationship". There is NOTHING there. NOTHING.




In this and in all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.
~pbg






Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

The Return of HYA: Waiting In Vain

Hello Faithful Readers!

Ya'll are still there, right?? 

*crickets*

Anyways, I'm back from my month (and change) long hiatus from doling out sagacious advice to those in need. 

I'm gonna get right back into it, with the last letter I received in my inbox before I took the time off:

Hello PBG,

I’m 27 and have been in a relationship with this guy (35 years old) for 4 years now.

In the beginning he explained to me his past relationships and that he was still married legally to his wife because they never finalized the divorce. She left him and moved to another state 10 years prior. He filed for the divorce but she didn’t sign the papers. I didn’t trip at the time because we were just dating. He has her name tattooed on him and I had my daughter’s father name tattooed on me. I got my tattooed covered up immediately after I left him because I was done with him. He has since gotten several tattoos but he hasn’t gotten her name covered up yet.

I’m committed to this guy do all the things a “wifey” should do. I work a full time job, wash his clothes, clean the house, cook every other day, buy everything that is needed for the house. I pay the rent, the utilities and even kick out some money if his pockets are low. Still ……No ring.. I think the only reason I’ve accepted it for this long is because the woman is in another state. All he has to do is re-file the papers and attempt to have her served. He and his wife (ex) share 3 sons together and I tell him that I think he still has feelings for her because after 10 years he hasn’t cut her off completely, (still has the tattoo and no divorce) She still texts him out the blue on birthdays and holidays and ends her texts as “Mrs. XXX”. We have our problems just like the next couple and have talked about marriage and I know I’m ready, but we can’t do anything until he is divorced! He tells me that if I want him to be divorced so bad, that I should go to the courthouse and file on his behalf. (stupid).

The last time we had this conversation/argument was in March of this year. He’s made no moves to my knowledge to end things completely with her. My question is how much is too much? I mean I love him, but the blinders are starting to come off. And I’m beginning to resent him. I feel like I’m wasting precious time waiting on him to man up and do what he needs to do so that we can move forward.

Thanks for your help,

Patiently Waiting In Vain



"Waiting In Vain", huh? Well, honey...just what in the Lord's good name are you waiting for??

"How much is too much??" To put it quite simply, ALL OF THIS FOOLISHNESS is TOO MUCH!

You are exactly what you say you are and have committed to be: a "wifey" as in wife-like, spouse-esque. A WHOLE BUNCH OF NOTHING. As in your dude gets all the benefits of having a wife with ZERO responsibility. He probably thinks he has a pretty good deal going on! He doesn't have to deal with the expense of divorce and still gets his dirty draws washed, a home cooked meal every night, good nookie and financial support! You got any brothers, 'cause I'd like to have the male model of you in my life! But, not really...

In all seriousness, whatever you are waiting for, be it respect, commitment, dedication, loyalty...it's not coming. Your man has no reason to do right by you because he doesn't have to do right by you to get what it is HE wants out of being in a relationship with you. Remember that old wives' tale about not having to buy the cow because the milk is free?



And his wife doesn't respect you or the relationship because he doesn't, so don't look for her to stop what she's doing anytime soon.

I know you are beginning to resent him and resentment is the one thing that love cannot survive. Love can out live death, time, and even broken trust but resentment will obliterate love like no other. It's time for you to get out of this relationship. Don't try to do anything else to save it because all you have been doing is working on it, all by yourself. If he truly wanted to be with you, he'd be acting like it. Cut your losses and MOVE ON! You deserve respect and love in a relationship with a man, but if he won't give it to you, you must leave and give it to yourself and hopefully some other man will see that and want to join in.


In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg










Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

Bi? Oh My! Nice Try....

A little background:

I'm a 32 year old bisexual woman. I started exclusively dating women when I was sixteen and had two significant relationships, one for three years and the other for almost five. Even though I identified myself as a lesbian over those years I still knew I was attracted to men but never acted on it. After my break-up with my last girlfriend of almost five years I had a relationship with a man that lasted close to two years. We didn't work out but I've since found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. We're in love, I've known him since childhood, and we're seriously discussing marriage. But here's the thing. I'd like to be with a chic one last time before we make a lifelong commitment. I don't want to give him reason to worry that it will be an ongoing issue but I also don't want to cheat or be dishonest. Should I ask him if I can have a one night stand with a chic, find a chic we could have a threesome with, or just do it secretly?

Bi and in love

I'm going to disregard your sexuality here, because I think it's irrelevant.

How can you say you're ready to get married and you still have the desire to sleep with someone else? "The man you want to spend the rest of your life with" also means "the only person I will be sexually active with". If you want to have sex with anyone besides him, I'd say you're not being honest with him or yourself. You don't belong in a committed relationship because you seem like it's cool to do the horizontal tango with somebody else "just to get it out of your system". Quite a frivolous way to start your life together.

Don't assume that just because he's a man he will be automatically down for sharing you in a threesome with another woman. Contrary to popular belief, that's not every guy's fantasy. And shame on you for only wanting to include him to assuage your guilt! I'm sure if he knew he would only be included so you could feel good about sleeping with someone else outside your relationship, he would feel like crap. Way to emasculate a brotha, Miss Thang.

If you're in love like you say you are, let go of the past and stop being so selfish. If you truly need to have one last fling, I don't believe marriage should even be a discussion between you and your guy. I'd venture to say that the reality of married life with a man is something you haven't TRULY considered yet. The fact that you are a bisexual woman will not give you Freaky Friday Day Passes. Either get over your selfish desire to have an affair or give up the relationship. If your man finds out about it, he will become filled with resentment and THAT is the one thing that love cannot survive. So...make your choice.




In this and in all things, I wish you love light and clarity.




~pbg

















Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

Breakdown of the Break-up

Hello All,

The "Black or White" love triangle from last week has spawned another letter from the woman in the middle of it all. Check it out:

Dear PBG,

I received and read the reply to my letter. I truly value our input this is why I turned to u for advice. I read my email to D. (white guy) and he was very impressed that I sought clarity and advice for myself before proceeding with this situation.

Upon reading the email to "Mr.F*ckEveryGirlInTheWorld" he was not so happy that there may be another guy in the picture. I had to ask him..."Did u think u had another hoodrat chickenhead to add to ur stats?" I told him our "relationship" was what it was....FUN! But it has ran its course...and I was always taught that if a MAN can decide in 6 mos. his intentions with you, cut him loose and move on! Grabbing scissors*

Ok....now new issue is how do I let down "The youngin" without hurting his feelings? He got pissed a few weeks ago when I told him that he wasn't my boyfriend. Hurting him is the last thing that I want to do......I am a Capricorn Woman and I can be a bit harsh so help me let him down easy.....and I need to do this ASAP before I fall victim to another amazing sex session! *shakes head and walks away*

You seem to have gotten yourself in a little jam, huh? I'm glad you cut that "philanthropic fella" off and have decided to take a chance on the Ivory Prince (make sure you put that pet name in your mental rolodex because it may come in handy one day). lol.

Well, I'll tell you right now that you've come to the wrong Zodiac sign asking about letting somebody down easy. I'm a Leo, and we're not particularly known for our gentle natures. *rawr* That youngin' is just going to have to roll with the punches.

I wonder why you feel like you need to let him down easy! He wants to be a big boy and d*ckmatize a grown woman, then let him deal with the break-up. Tell him it's over, point blank. You can be nice and give him the reason, the truth: "I've met someone that's going to offer me more in a relationship than you can and I'd like to pursue that." Simple. You don't owe him anything more than that. If he decides to spazz out behind that, that's only confirmation that you didn't need to be kickin' it with that kid anyway. He's trying to be "King Ding-a-Ling" but prone to tantrums?? Ha! That surely doesn't go together!! He may as well learn early that every woman isn't going to want him, no matter how well he's slangin' that thang! Break it off fast and clean, don't have anymore sex with him and work on building something nice with the man you have evidently chosen. He deserves all your time and attention so make sure there are no loose ends distracting you.



In this and all things, I wish you love, light & clarity.

~pbg












Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

Leave Me Alone! Damn!

Hey, I'm in a bit of an awkward situation, which is only made more uncomfortable because it involves my co-workers.

I work in customer service with a girl who is happily engaged with a 2 year old son. I got to know her fiancé when he was working at the same place, and we all got along. Recently he hosted a party at his house. Towards the end of the night, he and I were talking outside and he started to hit on me--telling me, among other things, all the great ways he could please me sexually. I was speechless that he would be so bold, especially knowing that I work with his fiancé and knowing that she was less than 10ft away at the party!

Apparently he'd asked someone at the party for my number "so he could make sure I got home safe" and he called me 3 times within an hour of me leaving the party. It's been about a month since that night, and he is always texting/calling me. When I tell
him I can't hang out with him because it's clearly unethical, he claims he just wants to talk with me.

The problem is that he's not taking no for an answer and now I'm afraid that his fiancé will see that he's calling me and think I'm trying to get with him. I know that it's wrong to even be talking to him at all, but the dilemma I'm faced with is this: should I tell the girl about what her fiancé has been doing? I don't want to be seen as a homewrecker, but he won't stop trying to get with me and I don't want her to think I had some part in this. I'm convinced she's going to find out sooner or later, and if that happens it'll be harder to defend myself.

Is it best to just ignore the calls and keep telling him no, or should she have a right to know what her crappy
fiancé is doing? It's hard because I see her at work and everyday I'm afraid this is going to be the day she finds out and all hell will break loose.



Thanks for reading,

One Confused Co-worker



Dear Confused Co-Worker,

Let me alleviate your confusion for you: F*ck him! And for that matter, her too. This crap between them (and indeed it is between THEM if her man can't keep it together in his relationship so he's sexually harrassing other women) is cramping your style and it needs to stop IMMEDIATELY! Her feelings toward you should not matter. You just want her jerkface of a boyfriend to stop pestering you with his "mack game", that I suspect very closely resembles this fine fella here:

With his bama-ass. Pssshh.

Tell him that you are saving every voicemail, every call log, every text message, every email and if he DOESN'T leave you alone, you will be going to his woman what the hell has going on, with proof in hand. And if he doesn't cease and desist, tell her. TELL HER EVERYTHING and show her the proof! She may get pissy with you, but so be it. You won't get any peace from this dude unless she knows the deal. Neither of them is your problem so you shouldn't have to deal with this mess. She should be thanking you for letting her know what kind of no account fool she is planning on marrying anyway (dollars to doughnuts say she already knows though, for real).

I know it will be awkward at work with all of this out in the open, but as long as he believes you won't say anything, he will carry on in this behavior. His girlfriend will be mad, but if she's interested in keeping her job, she'll get over it because it's too hard out here to be giving up employment behind some drama.

Teach people how to treat you! Make him believe that you are who you say you are because obviously, he thinks he can have and do it all. You may just have to be the one that shows him that he really has the entire game twisted.





In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity

~pbg















Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

It Doesn't Matter If You're Black or White

Dear PBG,

I had been seeing a guy that I have known for 20 yrs we have been seeing each other for 6 months. He won't commit because "He likes women and doesn't want to cheat on me." Thanks for the honesty but WTF?

Now enter the young guy I have 11 yrs on him...the only issue is he has his own place (a plus) but NO car and NO job...so that means I am always paying and driving...umm I don't know about that! But the SEX...is mindblowing...could be because I have reached my sexual peak.

That brings me to the new guy...he has his own home, a good job, also in the music business, nice car and just as sweet as he wants to be. We have good conversation and like the same things. You're probably sitting there thinking OK where's the issue? The issue is that he is............WHITE!

Well the first guy is 4 inches shorter than me..a first! The second guy much much younger! A first for real! So why not try a white guy....another first! Help!!!




(Ya'll know I couldn't wait to use an MJ song title for this blog...)

My dear friend, I honestly don't see where you have a problem. Some decisions tend to make themselves. This here is one of them.

The first guy is a NO GO! He has zero interest in commitment. His statement "He likes women and doesn't want to cheat on me." should be read as "I wanna f*ck every girl in the world". OK, that may be an extreme interpretation, but he definitely wants the freedom to bang other chicks if the desire so moves him. Unless you're OK with being one of many, I'd say in the esteemed words of 90's super girl group, En Vogue, "Give it up, turn it loose".

This youngin' you have in the second position...*sigh* Look here, I'm a fervent supporter of the Cougar Lifestyle *rawr*, but in the case of your cub who has no job and no car, you have basically taken on another child. Sex makes up about 10% (pbg guesstimate) of the time a couple spends together, so the rest of the time you are feeding him, providing his entertainment and transportation. If you keep this up, don't be surprised if he asks you to pick up that new Madden for him.

The third fella sounds like he has it on the ball! He has his own home, working in great career, self-sufficient and he treats you well. Why should you care if he's white?? He can't help that anymore than you can help being a woman or black. He just wants to be with you. Why turn down your ideal relationship material because of race? I believe that we are far and beyond the days of Richard & Mildred Loving, and interracial relationships being considered taboo. Look at Iman & David Bowie, Seal & Heidi Klum: both long-standing and happy interracial couples. Who says that can't be your story as well?

It's all new to you, so I say at least give it a try to see if it actually appeals to you. If you date him and you aren't diggin' his Caucasian persuasion, then stop dating him. Just give him a chance. It really could be worth a shot. Women our age shouldn't feel like we can't explore options outside of what's considered the norm for us.




In this and in all things, I wish you love, light & clarity.


~pbg














Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

Mama's Boy Mayhem

*Hello, My Lovelies. This is a LOOONG letter, but my response is short (and good). Thanks for reading! *


Dear PBG,

A couple months ago, I became pregnant by a guy that I had been really good friends with and just happened to move into a "friends with benefits" situation. The last time we slept together was in January and on Valentine's Day, I found out I was pregnant. I immediately told him because I didn't want to go at it alone and for the first few days, he was 100% supportive.

At some point or another, he told his parent and that's when all hell broke loose. She (his grandmother...who raised him) basically said that she didn't want any parts of any 'bastard' children and would not participate in helping to raise a child that he created with a woman he is not married to. After that, his attitude took a turn for the worse, where he basically told me that if I agreed to move forward with the pregnancy, he "didn't predict good things for us" and that he most certainly would be pissed.

Well, fast forward to later in the month of February...I started having some complications that my doctor assured me were fine but in March, ended up being rushed to the ER only to find out that my pregnancy was ectopic and I had to have immediate surgery or lose my life. During this whole ordeal, I didn't hear from him via email, phone call...nothing.

After I got over my initial hurt/shock/anger/ disappointment, I decided to send him an email (he had changed his # so I couldn't call him even if I wanted to) and expressed to him how I felt about him leaving me hanging the way that he did. I also informed him that I had lost the baby, that no concern was needed and I wished him well, in spite of what he had put me through. My friends advised me not to even say anything but I felt that b/c he was the father (whether he chose the responsibility or not), he still had the "right" to know. Once I sent that email, I blocked his email address so that he couldn't respond. Well, fast forward to about a week or so ago. I get an email from him (at another address) asking if we could talk. Defensive, I asked him "About what," and he responded that he just had to get some things off his chest. During this long conversation, he basically apologized repeatedly...telling me that he genuinely felt bad about what had gone down and that he wishes that he could take it back. He said that he had just gotten scared and even though it did NOT excuse his actions, he just felt that he needed to apologize and only hope that I'd accept. Being the person that I am (but hate so badly), I told him that I forgive him. In the past, I was a VERY vengeful person and am responsible for doing some hurtful things to people but in "growing up," I've learned that this is not the way to live. After that, he asked me if it was okay for him to take me to lunch, asking if I needed anything and pretty much vowed to "have my back" if I'd let him, no matter what. He's even moved into asking me if it was okay that we start over and actually do everything right, INCLUDING a relationship. My mouth hit the floor...I'm wondering "Where is all this coming from and why NOW" but he SEEMS sincere. I am not looking for anyone to offer me a sweet pat on the back. But I'm confused about his behavior. I pride myself in being a woman that's pretty good at reading people. However, this is a situation where I seem to be missing the mark. I would've been ready to give him an evil glance if he had mentioned anything about sex or being physical in ANY way but it's yet to come up. Everyday, he's offering pleasantries, making me laugh and oddly, sort of forgetting all of the baby drama from before. I don't want to be stupid. I don't want to be anybodys fool. But what do you make of this situation? Should I be willing to at least feel him out and offer him a chance, since he's asked for it OR should I say that I appreciate the offer but Umm, no thanks? Let me know! Signed, Still Have a Little Feelings

Oh, dear.

OK, I'll first say the reason you can't "read" this man in your life is because you've already had sex (good, I hope) with him. Sex (good or bad) always fogs up perception, even those of us who pride ourselves on having nearly crystal clear vision when it comes to looking into and seeing people for whom they are. So don't feel about that. It happens to the best of us.

With that being said, I haven't had sex with him, so I can see him for the mealy-mouthed coward of a mama's boy he truly is. He left you to go through pregnancy and raise a child alone because his Big Mama said so. "Friend with Benefits", huh?? He was your FRIEND as long as it was beneficial to HIM. Psshhh...who the hell needs enemies??



You told him of your losing the pregnancy because he was the father of the baby, despite his act of abandonment. That was noble and the right thing for you to do. You even forgave him for being a supreme jerk. You're growing and that's wonderful. Beyond that, you need to let this thing with this guy go. He's already proven in what is usually one of the biggest decisions between a couple, that he will walk away from you and leave you to fend for yourself. That is not an act of love. He's selfish as hell, Miss Lady. I'm sure the irony of his timing his renewed interest in you is not lost on you. He's given you time proper to heal physically and respected the standard mourning period. Now he's sniffing around trying to "start over". Start WHAT over?? That flimsy ass "FWB" situation?? He surely doesn't seem mature enough to maintain a REAL relationship! I bet his Big Mama doesn't know he's been talking to you again. Chile, bye. Can you please tell him for me "Jigga, you ain't slick!"???

Let it go, leave it alone and keep it moving. I honestly see NOTHING good coming of this relationship. Keep doing YOU and wait for a committed relationship with a real man devoid of his Mama's puppet apron strings. You deserve it.


In this, and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg

Special Video Edition: "Torn"

Hello Dedicated Readers!

Check out my very first video response for "Hey, You Asked!" I hope you enjoy it:

I love making videos and I think I'll be doing videos more often. If you have a special subject you'd like me to address in a video, let me know in the comments or by emailing me!

Thanks,
~pbg

Ringless

Hi PBG! i follow u on twitter and have a question for you.

okay, my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 5 years. we have 2 young kids together and things are pretty nice. my only issue? his priorities to me are a bit screwed up.

last year, he got his motorcycle license. it was mainly because he had a 45 minute drive one way to work and this would cut back on our very high gas bills. i thought it would be a good idea to get maybe a cheap little bike, but instead he purchased (with cash he saved) a $9k bike...also, three months ago he bought himself a chain with matching bracelet, that cost well over $2k, plus rims for his car, a new flat screen for the entertainment room, and a pricey watch...i dont complain much because the bills get paid and our kids are well taken care of. (he works a very good job that he has been at for quite some time so he deserves to have some fun since he works hard).

why is he not spending this money on me? he says he wants to get married but has YET to buy a ring. with the money he spent on these extra items, he could very easily have put a little bit aside for an engagement ring. we did almost get married a year ago but had to put it on hold due to family issues (at my request) but even then i was the one who paid for our wedding bands. i dont own any real jewelry but he has plenty of it. is it wrong for me to feel this way? its not just the ring specifically, but to me thats the only thing i want, and the only thing i have asked/hinted about and i didnt get it...im not asking for a huge ring, just something small to show his commitment. what do you think about this situation?

Ringless

Dear Ringless,

First off, thanks for following me on twitter! I have a gang of fun on there, talkin' smack and giving giggles to the Twitterverse!

Now, your issue:

I read your letter at least 5 times and shared the particulars of it with two of my more astute male friends. We all came to the same conclusion: Your man is SELFISH and is making chick-magnet, "bachelor" purchases.

He didn't have to buy a $9,000 bike just to help save on the heavy gas bill due to the long commute to work. He could've gotten something for half that. Flashy rims and iced out jewelry...that's stuff that dudes buy when they're trying to attract women! LOL! Girl, stop justifying his mess by saying he saved that money to buy the stuff and he deserves to have fun. That is really of no consequence. He's not a teenager saving up coins from his summer job. He is a grown ass man with a woman and kids at home! The reward for paying bills and taking care of home is gratitude towards the Good Lord for being able to do it in the first place.

Your man isn't all that concerned with being a "family man". A family man will get his bike, but after marrying his woman, getting a house for his family and a suitable vehicle for her and the kids. A man dedicated to his woman will make sure she is shining before he is. Most married men I know are satisfied with just a simple gold band and will let their wives' fingers bling. And they gladly pay for it, not the other way around (WTH?? You paid for the rings?? No ma'am!). Seeing his family provided for and happy is the number one priority of the "family man". Everything he does is a means to that end.

Commitment is the last thing on your man's mind. He's still trying to play the role of a "baller" despite having been with you for a number of years and being the father of 2 small children. He doesn't want to marry you, but he knows its in his best interest to keep you. You won't get more out of him until you insist that he makes it a priority. STOP HINTING at what you want out of this relationship with him. Men tend not to do well with hints, so be direct, clear and sincere.

After all these years and two babies with him, you deserve the security and validation of marriage. If he can't/won't see that, maybe he isn't the one for you.

In this and all things, I wish you love, light & clarity.

~pbg

Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

Little [college] Girl Lost

Hi PBG, 

I am a 19 year college freshman and I am a virgin. I am finding it difficult to maintain relationships with guys here without giving it up. Not to say I'm against having sex, but I want to be in a relationship first, but the guys I seem to meet are very opposed to it! I believe I am going about dating all wrong. Guys will invite you to just hang out at their place, and I made that mistake. I went over a guy's house, we clicked and kissed and touched but it didnt go any further but then we didn't talk for 2 weeks. Then I find out on a network im on he got into a relationship! I was deeply confused by this as I felt we made a connection! What am I doing wrong? How can a girl navigate college dating any do's or dont's?

Signed,                 

TheCollegeGirl

Girl...*sigh*

I am going to try and give you the advice I'd give my own daughter if she were in this situation because she very well could be in 4 more years when she's your age.

I think it's a great thing  that you are still a virgin and believe that you should be in a meaningful relationship before engaging in an intimate sexual relationship with a guy. I do not believe in the "Jump Off Theory". Sex with "no strings attached" or at best, "loose connections" is the worst. Trust me on that one.

With that being said, I don't necessarily think you're doing anything wrong. It's normal to date different guys and enjoy socializing with the opposite sex. But what you must do is always put yourself first. None of these boys you're dating in college are deserving of you compromising your beliefs. You are your number one priority. Never feel pressured into sex with a guy because his reasons are totally self-serving. You have the right and the obligation to be and do who know you are.

Ok, that guy you hung out with at his place didn't turn out to be who you thought he would be. That's fine. We all meet duds from time to time. Honestly, I don't want to even deal with the particulars of your letter here, because I see something much bigger going on with you, College Girl.

I am advising you right now to concentrate on yourself. You seem confused about how to deal with men, which means you are in need of self-assessment and self-edification. Work on engaging in activities and people that will help you better understand exactly who you are. Ask yourself what's important to you and what your goals are, then work toward solidifying yourself in that. Dating is fun and it is a normal part of moving farther into adulthood. Right now though, I'd love it if you engaged more in learning exactly who you are. Become confident in THAT and dating will be much easier for you.

In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg

Re-adjusting Your Thug

Dearest PBG, oh wise seer of bs and shenanigans,

 

When “friends” become instant enemies, what’s an ex-thug to do?

 

Background info: Me and my gf (lesbians) have been in a long distance relationship for about 2 years now.  Anyone who has done the long distance thing knows that it requires A LOT of trust, transparency and communication.

 

The Scene: So I went to a house party that had mutual couple friends of ours there.  I brought my homegirl that was in town visiting for my birthday.  Sometime during the night I began to tease one of the couples about not returning text messages.  I then began to say that one of their friends says “hello” since they didn’t return any of her messages as well.  All of the sudden I started to get grilled about this friend, they asked me if my gf knew I was hanging with the friend, how often I spent time with the friend, yada yada yada.  Basically painting me trife.  All of this happening in the MIDDLE of the party in front of everyone.  My mouth was wide open- like this :O   I couldn’t believe it.  At first I thought they were joking, and let them talk for awhile.  Then I saw one of them look at me with disgust and shadiness.  That’s when I knew they were being for real.  So, I basically shut down the convo by telling them not to worry about MY relationship.  I didn’t feel the need to explain myself to people who were clearly NOT my friends.  They kept going on and on about how I don’t know what this girl is “in to” that I’d recently been hanging with. They also wouldn’t tell me what they were referring to.  So again I was like WTF?

ALSO sometime during the night they pulled my homegirl over to the side and asked her if WE were together. WTF again?  I was cordial for the rest of the evening and acted like it never happened.

 

But really, that sh*t seemed like they were straight up causing drama.  Who I hang with is between me and my girlfriend, not random extra people. And my girlfriend knew exactly what was going on with me and this new friend.  So am I dead wrong for being pissed with this couple (of troublemakers)?  I’m like the mafia, once you cross me you lose my loyalty and are basically dead to me. I’m not allowed to kill people, so I’m being figurative.  Should I have gone off at the party? Can I proceed with deleting their numbers out of my phone, deleting them off my friends list on facebook? 

Ex-Thug in Friendship Crisis

Point blank, these two interlopers at the party were just out of line. I find their behavior as you described it messy and immature. If they were offended by your light-hearted teasing, they should've just said so instead of launching personal attacks on you and how you behave in your relationship with your girlfriend. And for them to talk to and about your friends like that...HORRIBLE! I'm sure she was beyond uncomfortable and embarrassed. Your "friends" at the party were rotten as hell you would've been well within your right to go the HELL OFF!

But, as we mature and move through life, those of us with short fuses and low tolerance for bullsh*t have to do what I call "re-adjusting one's thug". You can't react the same way to a$$hole-ish behavior as you did when you were young and had less social filters. As adults, we must maintain our sexy at all times, even in times of strife and the extreme, overwhelming desire to stomp a mudhole into someone who has dared to cross us.  You have use your mind, bitingly sarcastic wit and powers of influence to make them feel like they got the a$$whuppin' they deserve.

We can't have you playing out scenes like this, even if it is warranted.

My advice to you is to first apologize to your homegirl who was the innocent victim of these other chicks' ridiculous remarks. She was just hanging out and didn't deserve that. 

Then you delete those other two raggedy, hate-filled drama queens from your LIFE. Facebook, phone, email contacts, Twitter, holiday card list...everything. BE GONE!  They seem all too ready to keep some sh*t going for no reason at all. Let them know that you can't be bothered. Cut first and ask/answer questions later, and only if you choose to do so.  If it were me, I'd invite them to kiss my entire a$$ and then direct them take the HOV lane straight to hell. Relationships (long distance or not) are hard enough to maintain. You don't need those harpies complicating things. Off with their heads!!

In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg

Digital Display

Hello PBG,

Am I over thinking/overreacting with this situation?

I was over at my boyfriend's house and saw his digital camera on the kitchen counter. I turned it on and proceeded to look at the pictures (which is something I normally do).  All of the pictures were pictures of his dog but in the middle of those pictures there was one picture of a woman taking a self portrait of herself chest up (from what I saw with a shirt on) in his bedroom.  The pictures seem to be from the same day. I asked him who it was, he told me an ex coworker friend that came to visit. His mood when I asked him was very stiff and frigid.  I took his word for it at the time because I trust him. When I came back to my place the next day I could not stop feeling that something was not right.  I don't have a problem with him having female friends but at the same time I don't understand what she would be doing in his bedroom.  When I come over we don't even go into the bedroom until it's time for bed. We have been together for four years and I've met his friends and heard of his coworkers.  I've never heard of her and I've never met her.   Although I trust him, my gut instinct is telling me that he is cheating or not telling the whole truth.   Should I be worried?

Thanks a million, 
K

You normally check his camera pics? Really? I'd like to know why. Do you also take pics with this camera? Is it a shared camera?  Honestly, you seem a bit snoopy to me. Snoopy and insecure because I can't see any logical reason why you would "normally" check the pictures in your boyfriend's camera. It's quite puzzling, indeed.

With that being said, I've always lived in the belief that a snoopy, nosey type of person will ALWAYS find something disturbing when they go looking.  Your mind/character/inclinations have already led you to go looking. No matter what you find, it will be suspect because you're LOOKING! Bus transfers, dry cleaning tickets, texts from his Mama...everything will feed into your insecurities and scream into empty pockets in your self-esteem: "He's cheating!!!" 

Now, I say go with your gut. The person you need to trust more than him is YOU. If you think he's cheating with this woman in the pics why sit there torturing yourself with all the suspicion and "what ifs"?? You very well could be wrong, but love is risky. If you are constantly questioning the fidelity of your mate, even if it's just to yourself, you won't be happy in that relationship. Get out of this relationship and give yourself some peace. Overreacting? Maybe...but I'd rather overreact than underreact. Your nosiness notwithstanding, it all sounds out of order to me.

You may just want to chill on that nosey stuff though. If you don't, you will have a series of relationships just like the one you're describing here, with the common denominator in the failure of them all (and yes dear, they will all fail) being you and your insecurity. When things are wrong between two people in a romantic relationship, you never have to go looking for mess. Be cool and play your position.  The "mess" will most assuredly  find you. 

In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg

Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

So Emotional

Hello My Lovelies!!

I know it seems like it's been forever (at least to me anyway), but I finally have a genuine request for advice! Yippeee!

Remember back a few months ago I had the series of THREE letters for advice from ONE young lady? I called her Ms. Jet Magazine, due to her plethora of issues much like the beloved African-American gossip rag that has adorned coffee tables of Black households across America for over 40 years now!

Well, I have a new reader and she has Ms. Jet beat! She sent me FIVE questions. They're all 5 one-liners, but 5 nonetheless. I thank you kindly Ms. Jet, Vol. 2 for entrusting your questions to my sagacity and I promise to do my very best to answer. Let's get into it, shall we?

And so, she simply asks:

Is an emotional affair considered cheating?

In my humble opinion...YES.

Yes, yes, a thousand times YES!!

I consider anything you wouldn't tell your spouse about or include them in as being unfaithful. Do you have a "friend" that you tell everything and they make you feel just great about it all? Does this "friend" make it all better when you're feeling down? Can you bring this "friend" home to sit and have dinner with you, your wife/husband/sweetie and your kids (if you have any)?? If you answer "no" to that LAST QUESTION, then you are are having an inappropriate relationship and you need to get out of it.

When you seek emotional fulfillment outside of your love relationship, what you are essentially doing is abandoning your partner and leaving them standing alone in the relationship. This is a VERY painful place to be for anybody. Emotional abandonment is not an act of love.

Emotional support and involvement is not something you should be going outside of your relationship to receive. Your spouse/mate is supposed to be there for that. Emotional love is a very big part of being in any type of relationship, especially a romantic relationship.  If you aren't able to have your emotional needs met within the confines of your relationship, I'd say that the dynamic between you and your partner is out of wack. 

And the answer to that resolving that disconnection is not to go out and seek it elsewhere. That is a clear sign that you and your significant other need to come together and work those things out. If your relationship means anything at all to you, put forth the effort to make it one that you and your mate are able to get everything you need in it. If you don't, I guarantee it will start to manifest negatively in every other aspect of your relationship.

In this and all things,  I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg

Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

HYA Special Edition: The Jump-Off Theory, Dismantled

I do not believe in the "Jump-Off Theory".

I know. You're saying "What the heezy is The Jump-Off Theory??" Let me explain:

The Jump-Off Theory is the assertion that two people who aren't in a relationship can have a successful "No Strings Attached" sexual relationship as long as neither one of them becomes emotionally involved, that is..."catches feelings".

That, My Lovelies, is a load of crap. These types of relationships are at best, wastes of time and at worst, very damaging to one's psyche and soul.

It's unnatural for us as human beings to separate from our emotional selves. Our emotions are necessary to help us gauge who we are and where we stand in the world and how we relate to it all. They work in conjunction with (NOT instead of) our judgment to help us move through life. One does HORRIBLY without the other.

Human nature and the divine always win. No matter what you do to your face, your body, you hair...what is real cannot be denied. You can either come out on top in the situation or lose.


Just ask Michael Jackson's face.
That ish is becoming undone.

Would this have been SOOOOO bad???


I'm just sayin'...that ain't bad for a 50 year-old Black man.

But, I digress.

When you set aside emotion so you can freely bone someone that isn't that into you or vice versa, no matter what "arrangements" you think you've made or "understandings" you have, somebody is going to catch feelings. I'd say 85% of the time. Why? Because emotion is a necessary, vital and UNDENIABLE part of how we relate to one another, especially sexually. Men tend to express intimate feelings and emotions through sex because they are such physical beings. Women, we are chemically wired to have emotion spill forth from sex. Ever heard of oxytocin? It's the same hormone released during childbirth and breastfeeding to insure that we bond with our babies...AND IT'S RELEASED DURING ORGASM. Duh!
Oh yeah, some feelings will be caught, regardless.

Do you understand the amount of WAR that needs to be waged internally to attempt to circumvent all that? Jump-Offs are pouring all that energy into NOT embracing their emotional selves and NOT respecting the natural order of things, when if they just held a higher standard for themselves, practiced patience and remain FAITHFUL, they could be expending that energy in a real relationship of LOVE. They could be ACTING IN LOVE with someone, instead of trying to stand steady on a big ol' LIE. Is it worth it??

And for that 15% that just may be "successful" in the Jump-Off situations..."Do you really want to win or just look good losing?" (c)Phonte. Yeah, because that's what you're doing. Let me quote myself from the very first entry of "Hey, You Asked":

"The things you have to do to sustain functional “Jump Off” and “FB/FWB” relationships will eventually turn you into someone you do not like. They rob you of your ability to connect w/people in a healthy manner. The thought processes and necessary emotions crucial for the relationship you eventually want to be in “forever” are slowly eroded and you are left unable to be more than simply physical. Cynicism, paranoia and skepticism set in and before you know it, you are alone. Not because you want to be, but because you’ve forgotten how to truly “be” with someone else. You have left so many little pieces of your soul behind w/the J.O.’s that you have nothing left for your Mr./Ms. Right."

You come out damaged at the end of your "successful" Jump-Off relationship. You lose a little bit of "you" each time. Again I ask, is it worth it?



So yeah, go on and "Jump Off"....



See where it gets you.