Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Hey PBG,


I have a been a loyal reader or your since your days on the Space and I am in desperate need of your wisdom and realness right now:


I met this guy at the beginning of the summer and we immediately hit it off. I must admit, at first it was just supposed to be a one night stand kind of thing but well... as Jazzy Sully would say, “’It was me making pancakes in the morning...” Feel me? Anyway we spent the first two months completely enthralled in one another. I stayed at his house more than my own and the sex….whooo *fans self*. Since we aren’t/weren’t committed, we both continued to see other people. This was never discussed, but I know what I know. About a month and a half ago, I was at his house and he’d left his phone while he went to the store. Now, usually I’m a snooper, but I’m learning that I don’t always want to know what’s going on and this time I really wanted to live in my ignorance. This particular time, he received a text and honestly, with the way the phone was situated, I couldn’t help but see it and it read “I’m falling in love with you too!!!” (Of course I then looked thru the phone to see his outgoing msgs and sure enough he had sent one to her that said {“I think I’m falling in love with you”).


Now he and I have had very deep conversation regarding our future together—conversation that HE initiated. He has let it be known quite often that he sees me in his future and that we are definitely not just a f**k thing. Well, about three weeks ago, he’d been extremely distant and MIA. Not returning calls, etc. When we did speak he would say he’s going through some stuff and needs me to bear with him. He’s telling me that he wants me in his life, he knows we have a purpose for meeting, he’s not trying to hurt me, etc.


That’s all fine and good and he let me know what the situation is (financial). But I want to run. I want to run fast and I want to run far. I’ve been hurt too many times in the past and I already am extremely emotionally invested in him. We often talk about how weird it is that we had such a connection immediately (the first night we met up to “get it in” we actually ended up walking thru the park holding hands and talking for HOURS). When he asked me if I saw him in my future I answered him honestly and said “You’ll either be the one to make it all better or the one who’ll push me over the edge”.


I saw him a few days ago and he’s still talking to me and looking at me as if we are still “us”.


I guess my question is what do you think I should do?? Should I run for the hills given that he’s telling some girl that he’s falling in love with her?

Well, whether or not you "run for the hills" depends wholly on what you want for yourself.

Someone obviously told your guy at some point in his life "Don't put all your eggs in one basket"...and he listened. I'm not going to doubt the sincerity of the feelings he has for you, but I will tell you that YOU aren't the only one he feels so deeply for. That's evidenced by the text exchange you saw in his phone (By the way...STOP doing that foolishness. Snooping is never a good thing, no matter what the motivation and hardly ever ends well.) He does want you, but he's keeping his options open.

When he goes M.I.A. for extended amounts of time, he's off tending to the eggs in his other baskets, my friend. That's what he's "going through". He's exploring options and he needs you to stick around ("bear with him") because he does see you as a viable choice. You and at least one other woman. That's his choice and I won't condemn it. But I want you to understand that this is indeed what's going on and you have choices as well. You can wait for him to decide which of you it will be in his future, or you can make yourself available for other romantic options. Get your own eggs! Get your own baskets!!


And let me just say this:

I'm not an advocate of casual sexual relationships at all, but I do know that in reality, people indulge in them and on rare occasions, they can develop into something more. But with simply enjoying sex together as the foundation of a relationship, I fear that it couldn't stand steady for long. There has to be more if you expect to have a long term involvement of any true substance.

So, as you ask me whether or not you should stay or go, you should be asking yourself "What do I truly want for me?"



In this and in all things, I wish you love, light & clarity.

~pbg





Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

Bi? Oh My! Nice Try....

A little background:

I'm a 32 year old bisexual woman. I started exclusively dating women when I was sixteen and had two significant relationships, one for three years and the other for almost five. Even though I identified myself as a lesbian over those years I still knew I was attracted to men but never acted on it. After my break-up with my last girlfriend of almost five years I had a relationship with a man that lasted close to two years. We didn't work out but I've since found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. We're in love, I've known him since childhood, and we're seriously discussing marriage. But here's the thing. I'd like to be with a chic one last time before we make a lifelong commitment. I don't want to give him reason to worry that it will be an ongoing issue but I also don't want to cheat or be dishonest. Should I ask him if I can have a one night stand with a chic, find a chic we could have a threesome with, or just do it secretly?

Bi and in love

I'm going to disregard your sexuality here, because I think it's irrelevant.

How can you say you're ready to get married and you still have the desire to sleep with someone else? "The man you want to spend the rest of your life with" also means "the only person I will be sexually active with". If you want to have sex with anyone besides him, I'd say you're not being honest with him or yourself. You don't belong in a committed relationship because you seem like it's cool to do the horizontal tango with somebody else "just to get it out of your system". Quite a frivolous way to start your life together.

Don't assume that just because he's a man he will be automatically down for sharing you in a threesome with another woman. Contrary to popular belief, that's not every guy's fantasy. And shame on you for only wanting to include him to assuage your guilt! I'm sure if he knew he would only be included so you could feel good about sleeping with someone else outside your relationship, he would feel like crap. Way to emasculate a brotha, Miss Thang.

If you're in love like you say you are, let go of the past and stop being so selfish. If you truly need to have one last fling, I don't believe marriage should even be a discussion between you and your guy. I'd venture to say that the reality of married life with a man is something you haven't TRULY considered yet. The fact that you are a bisexual woman will not give you Freaky Friday Day Passes. Either get over your selfish desire to have an affair or give up the relationship. If your man finds out about it, he will become filled with resentment and THAT is the one thing that love cannot survive. So...make your choice.




In this and in all things, I wish you love light and clarity.




~pbg

















Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

Breakdown of the Break-up

Hello All,

The "Black or White" love triangle from last week has spawned another letter from the woman in the middle of it all. Check it out:

Dear PBG,

I received and read the reply to my letter. I truly value our input this is why I turned to u for advice. I read my email to D. (white guy) and he was very impressed that I sought clarity and advice for myself before proceeding with this situation.

Upon reading the email to "Mr.F*ckEveryGirlInTheWorld" he was not so happy that there may be another guy in the picture. I had to ask him..."Did u think u had another hoodrat chickenhead to add to ur stats?" I told him our "relationship" was what it was....FUN! But it has ran its course...and I was always taught that if a MAN can decide in 6 mos. his intentions with you, cut him loose and move on! Grabbing scissors*

Ok....now new issue is how do I let down "The youngin" without hurting his feelings? He got pissed a few weeks ago when I told him that he wasn't my boyfriend. Hurting him is the last thing that I want to do......I am a Capricorn Woman and I can be a bit harsh so help me let him down easy.....and I need to do this ASAP before I fall victim to another amazing sex session! *shakes head and walks away*

You seem to have gotten yourself in a little jam, huh? I'm glad you cut that "philanthropic fella" off and have decided to take a chance on the Ivory Prince (make sure you put that pet name in your mental rolodex because it may come in handy one day). lol.

Well, I'll tell you right now that you've come to the wrong Zodiac sign asking about letting somebody down easy. I'm a Leo, and we're not particularly known for our gentle natures. *rawr* That youngin' is just going to have to roll with the punches.

I wonder why you feel like you need to let him down easy! He wants to be a big boy and d*ckmatize a grown woman, then let him deal with the break-up. Tell him it's over, point blank. You can be nice and give him the reason, the truth: "I've met someone that's going to offer me more in a relationship than you can and I'd like to pursue that." Simple. You don't owe him anything more than that. If he decides to spazz out behind that, that's only confirmation that you didn't need to be kickin' it with that kid anyway. He's trying to be "King Ding-a-Ling" but prone to tantrums?? Ha! That surely doesn't go together!! He may as well learn early that every woman isn't going to want him, no matter how well he's slangin' that thang! Break it off fast and clean, don't have anymore sex with him and work on building something nice with the man you have evidently chosen. He deserves all your time and attention so make sure there are no loose ends distracting you.



In this and all things, I wish you love, light & clarity.

~pbg












Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

It Doesn't Matter If You're Black or White

Dear PBG,

I had been seeing a guy that I have known for 20 yrs we have been seeing each other for 6 months. He won't commit because "He likes women and doesn't want to cheat on me." Thanks for the honesty but WTF?

Now enter the young guy I have 11 yrs on him...the only issue is he has his own place (a plus) but NO car and NO job...so that means I am always paying and driving...umm I don't know about that! But the SEX...is mindblowing...could be because I have reached my sexual peak.

That brings me to the new guy...he has his own home, a good job, also in the music business, nice car and just as sweet as he wants to be. We have good conversation and like the same things. You're probably sitting there thinking OK where's the issue? The issue is that he is............WHITE!

Well the first guy is 4 inches shorter than me..a first! The second guy much much younger! A first for real! So why not try a white guy....another first! Help!!!




(Ya'll know I couldn't wait to use an MJ song title for this blog...)

My dear friend, I honestly don't see where you have a problem. Some decisions tend to make themselves. This here is one of them.

The first guy is a NO GO! He has zero interest in commitment. His statement "He likes women and doesn't want to cheat on me." should be read as "I wanna f*ck every girl in the world". OK, that may be an extreme interpretation, but he definitely wants the freedom to bang other chicks if the desire so moves him. Unless you're OK with being one of many, I'd say in the esteemed words of 90's super girl group, En Vogue, "Give it up, turn it loose".

This youngin' you have in the second position...*sigh* Look here, I'm a fervent supporter of the Cougar Lifestyle *rawr*, but in the case of your cub who has no job and no car, you have basically taken on another child. Sex makes up about 10% (pbg guesstimate) of the time a couple spends together, so the rest of the time you are feeding him, providing his entertainment and transportation. If you keep this up, don't be surprised if he asks you to pick up that new Madden for him.

The third fella sounds like he has it on the ball! He has his own home, working in great career, self-sufficient and he treats you well. Why should you care if he's white?? He can't help that anymore than you can help being a woman or black. He just wants to be with you. Why turn down your ideal relationship material because of race? I believe that we are far and beyond the days of Richard & Mildred Loving, and interracial relationships being considered taboo. Look at Iman & David Bowie, Seal & Heidi Klum: both long-standing and happy interracial couples. Who says that can't be your story as well?

It's all new to you, so I say at least give it a try to see if it actually appeals to you. If you date him and you aren't diggin' his Caucasian persuasion, then stop dating him. Just give him a chance. It really could be worth a shot. Women our age shouldn't feel like we can't explore options outside of what's considered the norm for us.




In this and in all things, I wish you love, light & clarity.


~pbg














Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!

Mama's Boy Mayhem

*Hello, My Lovelies. This is a LOOONG letter, but my response is short (and good). Thanks for reading! *


Dear PBG,

A couple months ago, I became pregnant by a guy that I had been really good friends with and just happened to move into a "friends with benefits" situation. The last time we slept together was in January and on Valentine's Day, I found out I was pregnant. I immediately told him because I didn't want to go at it alone and for the first few days, he was 100% supportive.

At some point or another, he told his parent and that's when all hell broke loose. She (his grandmother...who raised him) basically said that she didn't want any parts of any 'bastard' children and would not participate in helping to raise a child that he created with a woman he is not married to. After that, his attitude took a turn for the worse, where he basically told me that if I agreed to move forward with the pregnancy, he "didn't predict good things for us" and that he most certainly would be pissed.

Well, fast forward to later in the month of February...I started having some complications that my doctor assured me were fine but in March, ended up being rushed to the ER only to find out that my pregnancy was ectopic and I had to have immediate surgery or lose my life. During this whole ordeal, I didn't hear from him via email, phone call...nothing.

After I got over my initial hurt/shock/anger/ disappointment, I decided to send him an email (he had changed his # so I couldn't call him even if I wanted to) and expressed to him how I felt about him leaving me hanging the way that he did. I also informed him that I had lost the baby, that no concern was needed and I wished him well, in spite of what he had put me through. My friends advised me not to even say anything but I felt that b/c he was the father (whether he chose the responsibility or not), he still had the "right" to know. Once I sent that email, I blocked his email address so that he couldn't respond. Well, fast forward to about a week or so ago. I get an email from him (at another address) asking if we could talk. Defensive, I asked him "About what," and he responded that he just had to get some things off his chest. During this long conversation, he basically apologized repeatedly...telling me that he genuinely felt bad about what had gone down and that he wishes that he could take it back. He said that he had just gotten scared and even though it did NOT excuse his actions, he just felt that he needed to apologize and only hope that I'd accept. Being the person that I am (but hate so badly), I told him that I forgive him. In the past, I was a VERY vengeful person and am responsible for doing some hurtful things to people but in "growing up," I've learned that this is not the way to live. After that, he asked me if it was okay for him to take me to lunch, asking if I needed anything and pretty much vowed to "have my back" if I'd let him, no matter what. He's even moved into asking me if it was okay that we start over and actually do everything right, INCLUDING a relationship. My mouth hit the floor...I'm wondering "Where is all this coming from and why NOW" but he SEEMS sincere. I am not looking for anyone to offer me a sweet pat on the back. But I'm confused about his behavior. I pride myself in being a woman that's pretty good at reading people. However, this is a situation where I seem to be missing the mark. I would've been ready to give him an evil glance if he had mentioned anything about sex or being physical in ANY way but it's yet to come up. Everyday, he's offering pleasantries, making me laugh and oddly, sort of forgetting all of the baby drama from before. I don't want to be stupid. I don't want to be anybodys fool. But what do you make of this situation? Should I be willing to at least feel him out and offer him a chance, since he's asked for it OR should I say that I appreciate the offer but Umm, no thanks? Let me know! Signed, Still Have a Little Feelings

Oh, dear.

OK, I'll first say the reason you can't "read" this man in your life is because you've already had sex (good, I hope) with him. Sex (good or bad) always fogs up perception, even those of us who pride ourselves on having nearly crystal clear vision when it comes to looking into and seeing people for whom they are. So don't feel about that. It happens to the best of us.

With that being said, I haven't had sex with him, so I can see him for the mealy-mouthed coward of a mama's boy he truly is. He left you to go through pregnancy and raise a child alone because his Big Mama said so. "Friend with Benefits", huh?? He was your FRIEND as long as it was beneficial to HIM. Psshhh...who the hell needs enemies??



You told him of your losing the pregnancy because he was the father of the baby, despite his act of abandonment. That was noble and the right thing for you to do. You even forgave him for being a supreme jerk. You're growing and that's wonderful. Beyond that, you need to let this thing with this guy go. He's already proven in what is usually one of the biggest decisions between a couple, that he will walk away from you and leave you to fend for yourself. That is not an act of love. He's selfish as hell, Miss Lady. I'm sure the irony of his timing his renewed interest in you is not lost on you. He's given you time proper to heal physically and respected the standard mourning period. Now he's sniffing around trying to "start over". Start WHAT over?? That flimsy ass "FWB" situation?? He surely doesn't seem mature enough to maintain a REAL relationship! I bet his Big Mama doesn't know he's been talking to you again. Chile, bye. Can you please tell him for me "Jigga, you ain't slick!"???

Let it go, leave it alone and keep it moving. I honestly see NOTHING good coming of this relationship. Keep doing YOU and wait for a committed relationship with a real man devoid of his Mama's puppet apron strings. You deserve it.


In this, and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg

Little [college] Girl Lost

Hi PBG, 

I am a 19 year college freshman and I am a virgin. I am finding it difficult to maintain relationships with guys here without giving it up. Not to say I'm against having sex, but I want to be in a relationship first, but the guys I seem to meet are very opposed to it! I believe I am going about dating all wrong. Guys will invite you to just hang out at their place, and I made that mistake. I went over a guy's house, we clicked and kissed and touched but it didnt go any further but then we didn't talk for 2 weeks. Then I find out on a network im on he got into a relationship! I was deeply confused by this as I felt we made a connection! What am I doing wrong? How can a girl navigate college dating any do's or dont's?

Signed,                 

TheCollegeGirl

Girl...*sigh*

I am going to try and give you the advice I'd give my own daughter if she were in this situation because she very well could be in 4 more years when she's your age.

I think it's a great thing  that you are still a virgin and believe that you should be in a meaningful relationship before engaging in an intimate sexual relationship with a guy. I do not believe in the "Jump Off Theory". Sex with "no strings attached" or at best, "loose connections" is the worst. Trust me on that one.

With that being said, I don't necessarily think you're doing anything wrong. It's normal to date different guys and enjoy socializing with the opposite sex. But what you must do is always put yourself first. None of these boys you're dating in college are deserving of you compromising your beliefs. You are your number one priority. Never feel pressured into sex with a guy because his reasons are totally self-serving. You have the right and the obligation to be and do who know you are.

Ok, that guy you hung out with at his place didn't turn out to be who you thought he would be. That's fine. We all meet duds from time to time. Honestly, I don't want to even deal with the particulars of your letter here, because I see something much bigger going on with you, College Girl.

I am advising you right now to concentrate on yourself. You seem confused about how to deal with men, which means you are in need of self-assessment and self-edification. Work on engaging in activities and people that will help you better understand exactly who you are. Ask yourself what's important to you and what your goals are, then work toward solidifying yourself in that. Dating is fun and it is a normal part of moving farther into adulthood. Right now though, I'd love it if you engaged more in learning exactly who you are. Become confident in THAT and dating will be much easier for you.

In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg

M.I.L.F & Cookies? I Think NOT!!

Hey PBG,

What should I do when a son of one of my good friends tries to MILF me? This happened to me a couple weeks ago.

The 17 year old son of one of my childhood friends and very close family friend was over at my house to use the computer to submit college applications. I was assisting him. Now, it isn't abnormal for him or any of her other children to call me at anytime asking to stay over for the weekend. I also help pay his tuition to a prominent private school. So basically, this isn't someone that I would have even expected to attempt to try something like that to me.

I baked the child some cookies and asked him if he wanted any milk. He responded that he wanted milk but not the kind of milk I was talking about and was staring at my breasts. First, I thought maybe I'm not hearing him correctly or maybe I'm misunderstanding. So I asked him what he was talking about because I didn't understand. He responded saying that I "knew what he was talking about" and pointed at my breasts. I felt so embarrassed and uncomfortable. I asked him who in the hell he thought I was and I told him not to disrespect me like that again.

See, my biggest issue with this is that I am sure his mother probably has been badmouthing me, or making derogatory remarks about me for him to even consider me in this way. I want to tell the mother, so that she can feel as embarrassed as I felt. Also, I don't want some young girl to fall victim to his inappropriate gestures or comments when he is off to the university. What should I do?

Signed,

Mad As Hell!

What.

A.

Doozie.

This child of your friend's is totally out of line and seeing as though that he's at your house, using your computer, eating your baked goods while you help pay his school tuition...you would be well within your rights to smack the taste out of his mouth! That boy has lost his ever lovin' mind, as the OG-PBG (my mother) would say.

But don't do that. He obviously is misguided and confused, having been left up to his own devices and immature ideas of how to deal with women. My glittery crystal ball is telling me that his father either is a wreck of a man or isn't in his life at all. And whatever his mother has been doing hasn't taught him to respect a woman who is practically an aunt to him and his siblings.

You tell your little play-nephew in NO uncertain terms that he is being extremely disrespectful, his behavior is not ok and if he ever chooses to make inappropriate sexual advances toward you like a grown man again, he will be handled like a grown man. And mean it. Then tell his mother. She needs to know that her son is out of pocket. Since you only suspect that she's been talking greasy about you in front of the kids, I wouldn't bring that up at all. But you definitely need to tell her about her son's behavior and how it made you feel. At least give her a chance to discipline her son because that's what needs to happen. He needs to learn about how to carry himself and treat women before he goes off to college and gets kicked out for sexual harrassment or worse.

If your friend doesn't straighten her son out, you need to cut them off. No more nights over, no more computer access, no more tuition payments and no more baked goods! You don't need to put up with that type of insulting behavior from that disrespectful teenager or his slacker mom and pay for the privilege.

In this and all things, I wish you love, light and clarity.

~pbg

Do you have an issue, question or query you'd like to have addressed here on "Hey, You Asked"? Feel free to email any and all issues to askthepbg@gmail.com and I will do my best to impart my real woman's perspective upon your situation and hopefully show you the way!